The Board of the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute (ARSI) has declared:
NATIONAL RUTABAGA MONTH - APRIL, 2009
Writing via satellite email from his advanced base camp on Bolivia's Machacamarca plateau, ARSI President for Life Obie MacAroon notes: "I am humbled and honored once again by our Board as we move ever closer to our goal of a confirmed discovery of the elusive tropical rutabaga (Brassica napobrassica tropicales)."
PHOTO: The Obie MacAroon III Nanotechnology Center, nearing completion at ARSI's vast laboratory complex near Forest Grove, Oregon - Rutabaga Capital of the World Since 1954.
7 comments:
April is also the month when most of us pay our taxes. When is President MacAroon going to address his delicate problems with that pending IRS audit? Isn't that the real reason he's been out of the country for the past two years -- and in places that have no extradition treaty with the U.S.? "Expedition" indeed...
On behalf of President MacAroon, I hasten to categorically reject the insinuations in the scurrilous comment from "Anon." Our President's disagreements with the IRS have been grossly exaggerated by the international media and a certain turnipite faction in Idaho.
ARSI's Board is confident that all questions raised by the IRS audit will be satisfactorily resolved within the next two years.
President MacAroon's diligent research on the tropical rutabaga has been published in reputable, peer-reviewed botanical journals.
So is MacAroon planning to return that outrageous bonus, paid from federal stimulus funds, to the U.S. Treasury? Some of the AIG execs, under similar pressure, at least had the sense to do that.
As much as President MacAroon would like to decline his bonus, he fears that, in doing so, he would expose ARSI to protracted litigation for violating a prior contractual obligation to himself.
And with that smarmy comment, you, sir or madam, are henceforth barred from ever commenting at this site again.
On behalf of my client, the illustrious Madame MacAroon, and the MacAroon progeny, I would like to remind the honorable President For Life of his obligation to provide for his family even while in absentia, allegedly exploring the Machacamarca plateau. Any and all bonuses received by President MacAroon must heretofor be divided in equal shares and mailed to the humble residence of Madame MacAroon and her children in Forest Grove, Oregon.
Your humble servant,
W. Snidely, attorney at law.
Alas, dear attorney commenter, our client is unable to comply with your request. In accordance with a decree issued by President Fujimora in 1998, Peruvian tax law requires President MacAroon to retain his bonus in numbered Swiss bank accounts for his exclusive personal use. Any legal action on your part will not be received kindly by President MacAroon's many friends on the local and federal bench in Oregon.
Why did my hauler refuse to accept a garbage can that contained week-old rutabaga peels? The odor was barely detectable, even from 500 yards away. He actually threatened to call the EPA on us! Maybe your relentless team of litigators should look into this.
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