Results are in for the 2008 Rutabaga Curl

Our good friend Commissioner Steve gives us the following update on our favorite sporting competition:

"The 2008 International Rutabaga Curling World Championship was held in the usual Ithaca, NY Farmers' Market venue. It was perhaps our coldest Curl on record which kept the crowd size down and had many athletes reconsidering the wisdom of heading out to hurl vegetables in extreme cold. It was however one of the most exciting Curl's in our history. This was the first field with fewer than 100 athletes in many years; just over 60 curlers braved the weather.

"A separate Turnip Toss was held for athletes 8 years and younger. Many young people are attracted to our sport but are unable to handle the demands of the heftier rutabaga...a Turnip Toss offers a smaller more delicate projectile, the throw distance is significantly shorter than the 79 foot Rutabaga Curl distance; pitching distance is a function of contestants' age. Five year old Zeke Lawrence took home the coveted Gold Medal, Phoenix Uticone took Silver while Henry Toori took third place.

"In the Rutabaga Curl itself there were many no shows as teams that had trained all year were noticeably absent due to the severe weather. This created a wide open, unpredictable field. Tom Mansell, a 25 year old Cornell graduate student took home the Gold. His first curled rutabaga took a bad hop off a wooden beam and split perfectly in 2 pieces. After much discussion by referees and the Commissioner it was decided that Tom's initial rutabaga was faulty ( hollow) and a replacement rutabaga was allowed along with a new shot at the target. Tom's rutabaga both in his heat and in the final round were consistently closest to the target. Tom modestly proclaimed that "anyone could have done this" ...but we know otherwise. Ray Schlather of Ithaca took the Silver medal; his medal was significant in that he is the first athlete ever to medal more than once as he won the bronze the year before. David Kingsbury, a potter who is a vendor at the Ithaca Farmers' Market, took the bronze medal marking the first market vendor to medal in many years."

--Commissioner Steve for the Rutabaga Curl

Thanks, Steve. Obie MacAroon III and all the rest of us at ARSI extend our heartiest congratulations to you and the other participants for another successful curling event, despite the arduous circumstances.

PHOTO: A pile of ARSI rutabagas, genetically engineered to be suitable for curling and ready to roll (Wikimedia)

New Year's Message from Obie MacAroon III

Obie MacAroon III, in a text message from his winter quarters near Iquitos, Peru, writes:

"Greetings once again from Iquitos!

"This picture, taken with my satellite phone, shows the large crowd that gathered in traditional dress to celebrate my return to Iquitos after a foray into the Andes in search of the legendary and elusive tropical rutabaga (Brassical napobrassica tropicales). Despite its length (2 hours, 53 minutes), my speech was well-received by the gracious crowd.

"While our botanists discovered what appeared to be rutabaga spores at high altitude (16,200 feet) on Cerro de Pasco, the search to date has been inconclusive. We will, of course, persevere.

"A Peaceful and Happy New Year to rutabagans everywhere!"

Obie MacAroon III
ARSI President for Life

Next month President MacAroon and his expedition will move south to Bolivia's Machacamarca plateau, where local farmers are reported to be cultivating a variant of the tropical rutabaga.

Paula's mashed rutabaga recipe

From Paula Deen's Best Dishes show on the Food Network. (Vegetarians will want to lose the "streak o' lean," needless to say.)

New world record: 77.9 lbs / 35.4 kg.!

A giant rutabaga grown by Norm Craven of Cannington, Ontario, Canada, has established a new world record for a non-GMO rutabaga. Mr. Craven's rutabaga weighed in at a hefty 77.8 lbs. / 35.4 kg.

Despite ARSI's vehement protests over the years, the World Record Academy and Guinness Book of World Records will not accept weight and size records established by GMO's (genetically-modified organisms). In 2006, for example, Guinness refused to even acknowledge the existence of a 378.22 pound / 172 kg. rutabaga grown in ARSI's experimental labs on the ground that it was "genetically engineered."

Annual Rutabaga Curl - Ithaca, NY

Our good friend Steve Sierigk, Commissioner of the Annual Rutabaga Curl in Ithaca, New York, sends the following announcement about this year's competition and last year's highlights:

"We are beginning preparations for yet another great Rutabaga Curl...our eleventh annual! This year's event is scheduled for Saturday, December 20th at high noon!

"We have had quite a year. Our torch bearer set out on a goodwill tour of the U.S. earlier this summer. This generally goes off without too much incident; but this year our torch bearer was hounded and harassed unmercifully. It turns out that our Rutabaga Curl's Torch bearer (a Swede of great stature no less) was being confused with the torch bearer from another sporting event which was apparently not as popular as our own. Our torch bearer has finally come out of hiding and is fortunately making his way back to Ithaca, home of our Annual Rutabaga Curl. Unlike that other sporting event referred to earlier we welcome protests & protesters of all kinds as it only adds to the ambience that makes our Curling event great!

"Apparently another NY State county (Steuben) will hold their first annual Rutabaga Curl, fully sanctioned by the Commissioner. So our sport continues to grow.

"By the way early music scholars at Cornell found an early draft of George Frederic Handel's Messiah. The words were not Hallelujah! but rather Rutabaga! The first ever live performance of this piece will be unveiled at this year's Curl! We hope to have the piece on our rutabaga curl site soon after the event.

"Lastly a farmer friend sent me a link to a curious sport also involving the hurling of root vegetables...see below.

"Have A Great Winter!"

Thanks, Steve, for keeping us posted once again. We look forward to receiving the official results, which we assume will be delayed until January pending the outcome of the usual lab tests for performance-enhancing substances.

ARSI staff also appreciates the link to the Mangold Hurling Association the U.K. We've taken the liberty of forwarding it to Obie MacAroon III at his research station in the upper Amazonian basin of Peru.

PHOTO (above): ARSI #23PN237-432A, a genetically-modified, high-density rutabaga specifically designed for curling.

POSTER (top): Courtesy of Steve Sierigk, Commissioner of the Annual Rutabaga Curl.

ARSI: Working for safer highways

Few people realize that ARSI truckers log over 925,000 miles per year while delivering 2.73 million tons of rutabagas to various destinations around North America. That's why ARSI, along with several other large shippers, was chosen to take part in an extensive study of driver behavior by the Motorized Information-Sharing Technology Survey (MISTS) at the University of Southwestern North Dakota.

The focus of MISTS was on the effects of familiar distractions reported by drivers everywhere, including the rampant use of modern technologies. The authors assumed that, "unfortunately, many drivers routinely allow themselves to be distracted from the road by hunger, boredom and the perceived need to constantly communicate with others." Reading, text-messaging, frequent laptop use, snacking and napping were by far the most common distractions reported by drivers.

Some of the results and recommendations of MISTS were surprising:

• Some highway snacks are safer than others. French fries and potato chips, though easily consumed while still watching the road ahead, were especially dangerous. Why? "They tend to be greasy, causing the fingers to slip off the steering wheel more readily," the authors note. Pizza posed relatively few risks, especially if the crust was thicker and therefore less likely to spill hot mozzerella onto the driver's lap.
• While there's no doubt that M&M's "melt in your mouth,not in your hand," this treat is less than ideal for snacking while driving. The reason? Drivers are likely to become distracted while groping on the seat or floor for dropped candies. Traditional chocolate bars may be safer.
  
• USA Today was the safest newspaper to read while driving, while The New York Times was the most dangerous. The reason? USA Today has short articles, with shorter words, and the articles all appear on the same page. Turning newspaper pages while driving was particularly hazardous. And Readers Digest is far safer than the novels of Proust or Joyce.
  
• Text-messaging and email drafting should be limited to straight stretches of the highway, with no more than five words entered at any one time. Be sure to allow a few extra seconds between yourself and the car ahead of you. Use abbreviations or acronyms where possible and do not feel that you need to respond instantly to incoming messages.
  
• In another surprising finding, many drivers could nap without incident on long straightaways during periods of light traffic, provided they set an alarm to limit snoozing to no more than 30 seconds. Napping drivers should never set their cruise control at speeds higher than the limit.
• If you're going to watch a YouTube video that's longer than 30 seconds, be sure to slow to within 10 mph of the speed limit.

In response to these findings, ARSI immediately initiated an ambitious program to retrain its drivers.

The authors of the MISTS study conclude: "While we don't want to encourage dangerous driving behaviors, we simply must recognize that many drivers will seek out distractions from the tedious chore of driving. Our goal is therefore to identify and stigmatize the most dangerous behaviors in the hope of encouraging safer driving habits."

PHOTO: ARSI delivery truck loaded and ready to roll (unmarked to discourage road piracy).

ARSI endorses Obama - Tuesday is "National Rutobama Day"

The following ARSI Press Release, personally drafted by ARSI President for Life Obie MacAroon III, was text-messaged by satellite from the Amazon rainforests of Peru:

"For the first time in its long history, ARSI is pleased to endorse a presidential candidate: Barack Obama.

"Although it is not known whether Senator Obama has ever even tasted rutabagas, it is clear that he is open to recognizing the virtues of root vegetables other than the potato. The evidence? In recent stump speeches, he has been referring to "sweet potato pie" in terms like the following: "We might have to have a sweet potato pie contest. I'll be the judge. Cause I know my sweet potato pie."

"Surely a candidate who recognizes the appeal of the lowly sweet potato would be equally susceptible to the charms of rutabaga pie. We at ARSI will make every effort to include rutabaga pie in the contest that he's offered to judge.

"Unlike his opponents [see below for details], Obama offers rutabagans everywhere a priceless commodity: hope.

"With the power vested in me by our organization, I take pride in declaring that Election Day, 2008, shall be known as NATIONAL RUTOBAMA DAY!"

--Obie MacAroon III - Iquitos, Peru

This coveted endorsement followed weeks of appraisals of the candidates' opinions on rutabagas and other root vegetables.

The McCain campaign, in response to an email inquiry, tersely replied: "Go f*** yourselves!"

Sarah Palin was more receptive, exclaiming: "Yes, we grow giant rutabagas in Alaska, and I can even look out my window and see a patch or two. Let me think about it." A few minutes later, though, a staffer called and said: "Sorry, no can do. We hear you people are a bunch of whack jobs."

Joe Biden, reached by telephone, said "Are you joking?" before hanging up in apparent disgust.

Based on its careful evaluation of the candidates, ARSI is pleased to endorse Barack Obama for President.

UPDATE (11/2/08):

A six-figure donation to Obama/Biden, personally signed by Obie MacAroon, was "politely but firmly rejected" by the campaign, according to an Obama representative in Chicago.

Obie MacAroon III speaks

ARSI's corporate office has just received the following email dispatch from Obie MacAroon III, President for Life. For the last two years, President MacAroon has been exploring the upper Amazon basin in Peru with an expert team of botanists.

October 14, 2008
Iquitos, Peru

My friends,

It has recently come to my attention, thanks to an intrepid correspondent, that no entries whatsover have been made on The Rutabagan since January 1st of this year. This is totally unacceptable to me -- an outrage, in fact. I remind you all that ARSI's current budget includes a $1.2 million line item to fund a staff of 84 bloggers and support staff to update and maintain The Rutabagan on "a regular basis," as it says in their contracts.

Needless to say, I hereby direct that the entire Rutabagan staff be fired immediately: i.e., by 5:00 p.m. today. Before being allowed to leave, each staffer should be thoroughly searched for stolen valuables such as office supplies and highly-sensitive trade secrets from our experimental labs. I further direct that our legal team pursue a relentless litigation strategy to hold staff accountable for its nonfeasance and neglect of duty.

Meanwhile, the search for the "tropical rutabaga" continues in the lowlands of central Peru, with many promising leads that we intend to pursue in the coming months and years. With global warming, of course, the discovery of this species could greatly promote the spread of rutaculture worldwide.

Finally, my congratulations to loyal staff on the recent designation of October, 2008, as National Rutabaga Month. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Obie MacAroon III
ARSI President for Life

Rest assured, rutabagans, that President MacAroon's directive will be pursued immediately and without remorse. As pictured below, ARSI's private security detail has already assumed control of the offices and outbuildings of The Rutabagan. Slight resistance from staff was quickly overcome.


ARSI will immediately hire an entirely new staff to upgrade and maintain The Rutabagan. We apologize to our many readers for the paucity of recent entries -- a problem that will be corrected in the very near future. Please stay tuned, and thanks for your patience.

Rutabaga curling update!

The 10th Annual International Rutabaga Curl has concluded another intense competition at the Farmer's Market in Ithaca, New York. Our congratulations to Commissioner Steve and all the individual and team participants for a very successful event.

As we watch this exciting sport grow exponentially, we at ARSI are hopeful that rutabaga curling will become a regular event in the winter Olympics, starting in 2010 at Vancouver, B.C.

Yet another LAF

The Lazy-Assed Finns (LAF) Association recently expanded its membership by 20% with the birth of Elsa Matilda Ackley-oo (pictured left with sister Ida, also known as The Dudette).

Elsa was born on November 5, 2007. She weighed in at a robust 3,490 grams and extended a full 50 cm. Though Elsa was born at 0700 FPDT (Finnish Perpetual Darkness Time), it is reported that she slept until noon.

We here at ARSI extend hearty congratulations to her proud parents and grandparents, all of whom are charter members of LAF.

With the addition of Elsa to the Finnish population, that country has virtually doubled its birth rate for 2007. Considering that Finns are among the laziest people who infest the planet, this is an especially impressive feat on the part of the parents. The production of children, after all, can require significant efforts from conception through birth and far beyond. Sadly, few modern Finns are prepared to expend that much energy.

Fortunately for Elsa, as well as her sister Ida and her mother Hanna, the new arrival bears no resemblance to Immu Ackely-oo, her simian father (left).

PHOTOS courtesy Immu and Hanna Ackley-oo.

ARSI's First HQ: National Historic Monument?

The Board of Directors of the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute is pleased to announce that our first corporate headquarters near Forest Grove will soon be nominated for the National Register of Historic Places. This designation will mark the beginning of a $1.2 million fundraising drive to purchase and renovate this historic property, which has been sadly neglected since it was partly consumed by a fire of suspicious origins back in 1977.

ARSI's headquarters was originally homesteaded by Aloysius P. Weatherspoon, Founder Obie MacAroon's great-grandfather, in 1878. MacAroon relocated to the farm and founded ARSI in 1954 after soil analysis revealed that the Forest Grove location offered ideal conditions for rutabaga cultivation.

As stated on Our Founder's home page:

"MacAroon was born on June 16, 1904, at the family homestead near Trout Lake, Washington. As a child of five, he began to explore the intricate world of horticulture in the rutabaga patch adjoining his humble one-room cabin. Entirely self-educated, he went on to conduct experiments in rutabaga hybridization that attracted the attention of several neighboring farmers.

"After an unsuccessful attempt to persuade the Pentagon to add rutabagas to C-Rations during World War II, he moved to Forest Grove, Oregon, and planted his first commercial rutabaga crop in 1951. After three years of successful harvests, he founded the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute in 1954."

Though the arsonists who set fire to the farmhouse were never charged, investigators suspected that the turnipite cabal was directly involved. Our Founder turned necessity to advantage when ARSI's state-of-the-art laboratory complex opened in 1986.

Major gifting opportunities will soon be available for wealthy benefactors who wish to support ARSI's purchase and renovation of the historic Weatherspoon homestead. As the top photos (click to enlarge) reveal, the structure was extensively damaged and will require major repairs. The $1.2 million campaign will also enable ARSI to purchase the adjacent 360 acres (left) and dedicate them to rutabaga cultivation once again.

Mashed rutabagas: Good for a LAF

Last week the international Lazy-Assed Finns (LAF) Fest (formerly "Festival") came to Portland for its annual meeting. ARSI is pleased to announce that LAF has declared mashed rutabagas its "Recipe of the Year" because, in the words of LAF President for Life Immu (formerly "Ilmari") Ackley-oo, "you don't have to chew it."

Attendance at the conference was limited to three LAF's, probably due to the distance from Finland and the inherent slothfulness of the membership. "At first we were planning to go to Los Angeles," said Ackley-oo, "but we decided it was way too far for our members. We're a bit disappointed, but luckily we know a lot of kindred spirits in Oregon."

Hanna Ackley-oo, Vice President for Life, announced that next year's LAF Fest will be held in the lobby of the Helsinki airport terminal so the LAF's won't have to walk unreasonable distances from their flights. She's confident that attendance will improve.

For Ida Ackley-oo, President of LAF's growing Youth Affiliate, it was her first visit to the USA. Ida was originally named "Private Idaho" Ackley-oo, after the Gus Van Sant film, but it was shortened to "Ida" by her parents because her full name was "three syllables too long" to easily pronounce.

In that spirit, Ida called one of her Oregonian hosts "Dude!" even though his full nickname is "El Duderino." In the grand tradition of LAF, Ida is definitely into the brevity thing. She found Portland's freedom fries, and especially the vintage ketchup offerings, to be "world class."

LAF members travelled to Mt. Hood's Timberline Lodge and sat in their room for two days, followed by several days in a Portland hotel room. Then they went to Gearhart on the Oregon coast and lounged in another room, staring at the wind. For the final days of their trip, they sat in a hotel room in Tigard.

As the LAF Fest neared its end, Vice President Hanna Ackley-oo was pleased to announce that she and her LAF companions recorded an average of just 200 calories per day of effort "beyond basic metabolism," well below their goal of 300 calories. However, President Immu Ackley-oo noted that the mysterious El Duderino logged a mere 50 calories of nonmetabolic effort each day during the LAF Fest. Immu described his friend, with a hint of envy, as "quite possibly the laziest man in Oregon, which puts him in the running for the laziest worldwide."

To all LAF members, who will be enjoying regular servings of mashed rutabagas during the coming year, we wish you "Bon Appétit!"

NOTES

PHOTO #1 (top): LAF President for Life Immu Ackley-oo after being told that he would have to walk nearly 100 meters to his car.

PHOTO #2 (middle): LAF Youth Affiliate President Ida Ackley-oo wondering why adults aren't pushed around in strollers like she is.

PHOTO #3 (bottom): A rare photo of LAF Vice President for Life Hanna Ackley-oo caught in the process of actually moving.

Pureed rutabaga additive for pet foods (experimental)

Due to mounting concerns about the quality of pet food in the U.S., ARSI has been developing an experimental recipe for pureed rutabagas that can be safely added to any pet-food blends that remain on the market. ARSI hopes that these experiments will eventually open vast new markets for rutabaga farmers.

In our experiments to date, rutabagas must be pureed because laboratory trials suggest that dogs and cats find traditional mashed rutabagas too coarse for their taste. However, the extreme macromolecular density of rutabagas presents serious challenges to creating purees. The following experimental recipe has shown some promise in reducing preparation times for a pureed rutabaga additive to pet food.

Pureed Rutabaga Pet Food Additive
Experimental recipe #ARSI-9 - 26Z48
[Not suitable for human or animal consumption.]

• Peel and dice 8-10 fresh rutabagas
• Boil vigorously for 28 days or until softened
• Marinate for 96 hours in 2 gallons of hydrochloric acid
• Drain thoroughly to remove all acid residues, carefully following acid-base extraction procedures approved by the American Chemical Society*
• Mash, blend and pulverize into a thick smoldering paste
  
• Add 8 cups whole milk
• Add 2 pound of butter
• Blend with 20 pounds of dried pet foods, avoiding those subject to recall
  
• Optional: serve dripping with brown gravy or other meat sauce to enhance the pungent natural flavor of the rutabagas
  

Important: Increase cooking times by 30% at altitudes over 3,000 feet. As a precaution, safety goggles and body armor are highly recommended during every phase of preparation.

[Note: Mixed with gray food coloring, pureed rutabagas also serve
as a reliable substitute for mortar in various masonry applications.]

*The most delicate part of the process involves a strict application of the following formula to the acid-base extraction process:

ARSI is enthusiastically continuing its experiments in developing new pet-food applications for rutabagas. Visit soon for updates on this promising area of inquiry.

PHOTO: Acid-base extraction towers for marinated rutabagas at ARSI's International Headquarters in Forest Grove, Oregon.

Caterpillar devours rutabaga greens

Caterpillars also have a genetic craving for rutabagas, as demonstrated by this experiment. Note the accumulation of feces on the bottom of the jar.

Genetic appetite for rutabagas

Is there a gene that creates a craving for rutabagas in humans? A major study on the rutabaga gene in fruit flies (Drosophila pax) suggests that may indeed be the case:

"[R]utabaga encodes a calmodulin dependent adenyl cyclase that converts ATP to cyclic AMP. cAMP is a major signal transducer of the cell, and its creation and destruction is involved in just about every response of the cell to environmental changes. Calmodulin is a protein that binds the Ca++ ion, sensing its cellular concentration and interacting with the rutabaga encoded adenyl cyclase to activate adenyl cyclase mediated enzymatic conversion of ATP into cAMP." From The Interactive Fly © 1995, 1996 Thomas B. Brody, Ph.D.

Rutabaga-encoded adenyle cyclase has also been mapped in the human genome, so the same lust for rutabagas may occur in people, as suggested by ARSI's empirical data. Stay tuned for more information from our labs about this exciting area of scientific inquiry, which led to a Nobel Prize in 1995.

PHOTO: A fruit fly sips rutabaga nectar in an ARSI experiment.

Rotmos recipe - Swedish mashed rutabagas

With a special tip of the hat to our friend Inger, a rutabagan from Sweden.

Tuo on paskapuhette

In the "Finnish Journal of Ethnobotanical Studies" for April, University of Jyväskylä Professor Vittu Perkele Jumalauta suggests that preliterate rutabaga cults may have contributed significantly to early oral versions of "The Kalevala," the Finnish national epic poem (first published in 1835).

Professor Jumalauta provocatively concludes: "Tuo on paskapuhette! Seuraavan tulosopimuksen tekoon potkaistiin varovasti alkuvauhtia maanantaina, kun hallitus ja työmarkkinoiden keskusjärjestöt sopivat aloittavansa yhteisen pohjustavan valmistelutyön sopimusta varten. Työmarkkinajohtajien ja pääministeri Paavo Lipposen (sd) tapaamisessa ei selvinnyt, ovatko järjestöt valmiit käymään sopimusneuvottelut hyvissä ajoin ennen vuodenvaihdetta" [pp. 514-15]

Hannu Ahokas, the great Finnish ethnobotanist, elaborates: "Tutkimusassistenttina ja vanhempana tutkijana sekä kasvigenetiikan dosenttina vuodesta alkaen. Nykyisin hän toimii kasvinjalostustutkimuksessa Maa- ja elintarviketalouden tutkimuskeskuksessa Jokioisissa. Viimeisimmistä julkaisuista esimerkkeinä proteiinikemian metodinen julkaisu sekä monitieteelliset artikkelit, jotka käsittelevät muinaissuomalaisten kansojen kasvinviljelyä ja Kymijoen vesien purkautumisen historiaa Salpausselän yli."

GRAPHIC: Ilmari (or "Ilmarinen"), a character from the Kalevala, sowing rutabaga seeds.

The nutritional leader

The busy laboratories of the American Root Farmers Federation (ARFF) have confirmed the findings on the nutritional content of certain root vegetables previously reported in The Complete Book of Vitamins and Minerals for Health, published by Prevention magazine. And once again, the rutabaga triumphs easily over its competitors. The specifics follow:

VITAMIN C [mg. per 1/2-oz. serving]:
18.60 - Rutabaga
06.45 - potato
04.68 - beet
09.05 - turnip

CALCIUM [mg. per 1/2 oz. serving]
36.00 - Rutabaga
27.00 - potato
09.00 - beet
17.15 - turnip

ARSI studies have also found that the rutabaga is rich in a multitude of trace elements that don't naturally occur among its competitors, including: proactinium, osmium, unilloctium, strontium, dysprosium, antimony, praseodymium, gadolinium and yterrbium. The lanthanide and actinide series are abundantly represented as well

DISCLAIMER: ARSI neither warrants nor implies any health benefits arising from the presence of trace elements, actinides or lanthanides in rutabaga.

Here's some additional nutritional data for 100 grams or 3.5 oz. of rutabaga, as compiled by the good folks at Vegetarians in Paradise in their article Rutabagas - An Uncommon Treat:

Nutrient	Cooked	Raw
Calories	39	36
Protein	1.3 g	1.2 g
Total Fat	.6 g	.6 g
% Calories from fat	5.1%	5.0%
Carbohydrates	8.7 g	8.1 g
Fiber	1.8 g	2.5 g

A cutting issue

Vexing technical problems continue to hamper efforts to increase the appeal and marketability of the rutabaga. As every recipe demonstrates, the extreme macromolecular densities and mass of the rutabaga guarantee excessive and impractical cooking times for all but the most dedicated rutabagans. However, ARSI's laboratories have taken an innovative look at the problem, resulting in several potential solutions:

• A 24,000-watt microwave oven may reduce cooking times to 96 hours for a 2-pound rutabaga;
• An ionic oven, under development at CalTech, could reduce baking time to 16.8 hours;
• Trial "cooking" sessions using the neutron accelerator at Karnac, Illinois, have miraculously reduced cooking times to 8.4 hours.

The latter method, while most efficient, consumes vast amounts of electricity and can produce catastrophic submolecular degradation [i.e., an explosion] if slight "overcooking" occurs. It therefore seems unlikely to produce a short-term solution.

Extended cooking times are only one of many factors which inhibit consumer acceptance of the rutabaga. ARSI studies have shown that cooking times can be reduced (up to 25%) by cutting rutabagas into very small pieces. However, the extreme hardness of the product renders the process of slicing and dicing very laborious and frustrating. With this in mind, ARSI continues its laboratory trials with industrial-grade wood chippers, whose conventional grinding gears are worn out far too quickly to provide a practical means of preparing rutabagas for cooking. A stainless-steel gear with diamond-studded teeth and a titanium core has been fairly effective, but the cost remains prohibitively high. Researchers are now evaluating miniaturized versions of Boreregard, the rock boring machine recently used to construct a light-rail tunnel in Oregon

PHOTO: A modified Hiroller 1250 wood chipper with diamond-studded teeth and a titanium core, approved by ARSI in 2006 for use in cutting rutabagas. A much smaller and more economical version, suitable for use in kitchens, is currently under development.

Marketing the Rutabaga

ARSI President Obie MacAroon III has directed your organization to prepare a major spring drive to promote rutabaga consumption.

ARSI's most recent market survey discloses that, despite the strong nutritional values of our product, the American public remains woefully unaware of the true virtues of the rutabaga. The latest statistics for market share (January, 2007) of the Big Five reveal the following:

• Percentage of U.S. Market - Big Five root vegetables/tubers

  Potato.......................99.94843 %
  Sweet potato.................00.00766
  Beet.........................00.00432
  Turnip.......................00.00016
  Rutabaga.....................00.00001

• Miscellaneous roots and tubers (beetroots, yams, parsnips, celeriacs, kohlrabi, salsify, scorzonera, skirret, chervils, rampions and scolymus) occupy the remainder of the root market. [Note: The carrot and radish were excluded because they fill a different market niche.]

The Sad Reality: The market share of rutabagas, after reaching a historic peak in 1933, is lower than at any time in modern history. This crisis will be addressed aggressively by your organization with a consumer-education strategy. Its first goal is to implement the "Bury the Turnip" campaign, now under development. This program will allow the rutabaga to finally overtake and eliminate the turnip, our traditional rival. Stay tuned for further details as this exciting campaign gets underway.