Saturday, May 12, 2007

Mashed rutabagas: Good for a LAF

Last week the international Lazy-Assed Finns (LAF) Fest (formerly "Festival") came to Portland for its annual meeting. ARSI is pleased to announce that LAF has declared mashed rutabagas its "Recipe of the Year" because, in the words of LAF President for Life Immu (formerly "Ilmari") Ackley-oo, "you don't have to chew it."

Attendance at the conference was limited to three LAF's, probably due to the distance from Finland and the inherent slothfulness of the membership. "At first we were planning to go to Los Angeles," said Ackley-oo, "but we decided it was way too far for our members. We're a bit disappointed, but luckily we know a lot of kindred spirits in Oregon."

Hanna Ackley-oo, Vice President for Life, announced that next year's LAF Fest will be held in the lobby of the Helsinki airport terminal so the LAF's won't have to walk unreasonable distances from their flights. She's confident that attendance will improve.

For Ida Ackley-oo, President of LAF's growing Youth Affiliate, it was her first visit to the USA. Ida was originally named "Private Idaho" Ackley-oo, after the Gus Van Sant film, but it was shortened to "Ida" by her parents because her full name was "three syllables too long" to easily pronounce.

In that spirit, Ida called one of her Oregonian hosts "Dude!" even though his full nickname is "El Duderino." In the grand tradition of LAF, Ida is definitely into the brevity thing. She found Portland's freedom fries, and especially the vintage ketchup offerings, to be "world class."

LAF members travelled to Mt. Hood's Timberline Lodge and sat in their room for two days, followed by several days in a Portland hotel room. Then they went to Gearhart on the Oregon coast and lounged in another room, staring at the wind. For the final days of their trip, they sat in a hotel room in Tigard.

As the LAF Fest neared its end, Vice President Hanna Ackley-oo was pleased to announce that she and her LAF companions recorded an average of just 200 calories per day of effort "beyond basic metabolism," well below their goal of 300 calories. However, President Immu Ackley-oo noted that the mysterious El Duderino logged a mere 50 calories of nonmetabolic effort each day during the LAF Fest. Immu described his friend, with a hint of envy, as "quite possibly the laziest man in Oregon, which puts him in the running for the laziest worldwide."

To all LAF members, who will be enjoying regular servings of mashed rutabagas during the coming year, we wish you "Bon Appétit!"


PHOTO #1 (top): LAF President for Life Immu Ackley-oo after being told that he would have to walk nearly 100 meters to his car.

PHOTO #2 (middle): LAF Youth Affiliate President Ida Ackley-oo wondering why adults aren't pushed around in strollers like she is.

PHOTO #3 (bottom): A rare photo of LAF Vice President for Life Hanna Ackley-oo caught in the process of actually moving.


Anonymous said...

How do I join LAF, or at least the U.S. affiliate? Or do I have to be a Finn? Please advise ASAP.

Anonymous said...

Y-a-t-il un organisation française comme "LAF"? Je veux savoir aussitôt que possible! Merci mille fois.

Anonymous said...

Mashed rutabagas suck, and I myself don't understand this cult of indolence. You people need to get off your asses and get a job or something!

Anonymous said...

Why should membership be limited to Finns? Isn't that illegal, goddamit? I'll call my lawyer on Monday, if I have the energy.

Anonymous said...

Would you please post instructions on how to make comments on this wonderful blog? I can't figure it out. Also, how can I get in touch with LAF directly? I think I qualify for membership.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how Finland survived for all these centuries. It must be awful hard to chase after rabbits with sticks if you're a lazy person. OTOH, the invention of cellphones probably made it easier for Finns to never leave their saunas. Long live Nokia!

Anonymous said...

Sure, it requires little effort to eat mashed rutabagas. But you idiots need to prepare them first, right? And that takes a huge amount of work. I guess you're all rich, so you can pay someone else to do the peeling, chopping, boiling, mashing and everything else.

Anonymous said...

Det är kiva det...

Anonymous said...

Tuo on paskapuhetta!

Ripsa said...

Dzeesus K-Riste!

I'm the mother of the president of LAF and as the president at the moment is totally out of his head (gotten some goddam degree and having a jet lag, plus pestering us parents with this or that nonsense etc, etc plus a lot of motherly wailing)

And I can assure that Rutabaga beats potatoes coming and going. How else would've our father won the Winter war in 1939, I ask?

But this delirium goes on at this end now maybe somewhile...

Love to my all American friends!

M.J. O'Brien said...

Yes, I can understand how exhausted the LAF President must be after sitting around an airport lobby in New York for six hours between flights. Then he had to walk all the way from the terminal in Helsinki to a cab (or maybe it was a bus), with his luggage even. No wonder he was exhausted.

As for the Finns "chasing rabbits with sticks," be sure to ask Mr. Ackley-oo about that grand cultural tradition.

My sympathies to your lazy-ass son, and best wishes to all of you kindred spririts of Finland--the lazy-ass capital of the world.

Anonymous said...

One should get a perspective on this question. The lazy-ass profile and the entire LAF is a front that Finns put on when they are abroad. In reality, life is so tough out there in the dense wilderness of Espoo where El Presidente lives that vicious wild rabbits chase the Finns with sticks. On vacation they (the Finns, that is) are totally exhausted. My informants tell me that the LAFs are now reclaiming their log cabin from the rabbits that have been having drinking parties with a batallion of illegal Russian cossacks. They need our moral support (the LAFs, that is)

Sam Jackson.

Anonymous said...

With population growth so stagnant in Finland, and for so long, we have to consider two hypotheses:

1) Finns are too damned tired for sex, after spending most of their time chasing rabbits with sticks; or,

2) Finns are too damned lazy to have sex, which must be some ultimate achievement in slothfulness.

Admittedly it could be a combination of these factors, but I suspect that the second is far more likely.