"For the first time in its long history, ARSI is pleased to endorse a presidential candidate: Barack Obama.This coveted endorsement followed weeks of appraisals of the candidates' opinions on rutabagas and other root vegetables.The McCain campaign, in response to an email inquiry, tersely replied: "Go f*** yourselves!"
"Although it is not known whether Senator Obama has ever even tasted rutabagas, it is clear that he is open to recognizing the virtues of root vegetables other than the potato. The evidence? In recent stump speeches, he has been referring to "sweet potato pie" in terms like the following: "We might have to have a sweet potato pie contest. I'll be the judge. Cause I know my sweet potato pie."
"Surely a candidate who recognizes the appeal of the lowly sweet potato would be equally susceptible to the charms of rutabaga pie. We at ARSI will make every effort to include rutabaga pie in the contest that he's offered to judge.
"Unlike his opponents [see below for details], Obama offers rutabagans everywhere a priceless commodity: hope.
"With the power vested in me by our organization, I take pride in declaring that Election Day, 2008, shall be known as NATIONAL RUTOBAMA DAY!"
--Obie MacAroon III - Iquitos, Peru
Sarah Palin was more receptive, exclaiming: "Yes, we grow giant rutabagas in Alaska, and I can even look out my window and see a patch or two. Let me think about it." A few minutes later, though, a staffer called and said: "Sorry, no can do. We hear you people are a bunch of whack jobs."
Joe Biden, reached by telephone, said "Are you joking?" before hanging up in apparent disgust.
Based on its careful evaluation of the candidates, ARSI is pleased to endorse Barack Obama for President.
A six-figure donation to Obama/Biden, personally signed by Obie MacAroon, was "politely but firmly rejected" by the campaign, according to an Obama representative in Chicago.