Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Obie MacAroon III speaks

ARSI's corporate office has just received the following email dispatch from Obie MacAroon III, President for Life. For the last two years, President MacAroon has been exploring the upper Amazon basin in Peru with an expert team of botanists.
October 14, 2008
Iquitos, Peru

My friends,

It has recently come to my attention, thanks to an intrepid correspondent, that no entries whatsover have been made on The Rutabagan since January 1st of this year. This is totally unacceptable to me -- an outrage, in fact. I remind you all that ARSI's current budget includes a $1.2 million line item to fund a staff of 84 bloggers and support staff to update and maintain The Rutabagan on "a regular basis," as it says in their contracts.

Needless to say, I hereby direct that the entire Rutabagan staff be fired immediately: i.e., by 5:00 p.m. today. Before being allowed to leave, each staffer should be thoroughly searched for stolen valuables such as office supplies and highly-sensitive trade secrets from our experimental labs. I further direct that our legal team pursue a relentless litigation strategy to hold staff accountable for its nonfeasance and neglect of duty.

Meanwhile, the search for the "tropical rutabaga" continues in the lowlands of central Peru, with many promising leads that we intend to pursue in the coming months and years. With global warming, of course, the discovery of this species could greatly promote the spread of rutaculture worldwide.

Finally, my congratulations to loyal staff on the recent designation of October, 2008, as National Rutabaga Month. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Obie MacAroon III
ARSI President for Life
Rest assured, rutabagans, that President MacAroon's directive will be pursued immediately and without remorse. As pictured below, ARSI's private security detail has already assumed control of the offices and outbuildings of The Rutabagan. Slight resistance from staff was quickly overcome.


ARSI will immediately hire an entirely new staff to upgrade and maintain The Rutabagan. We apologize to our many readers for the paucity of recent entries -- a problem that will be corrected in the very near future. Please stay tuned, and thanks for your patience.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's about friggin' time! I almost gave up on you guys.

Anonymous said...

No punishment is too severe for these heinous criminals. Keep us posted, Obie!

Anonymous said...

You people have gone stark raving mad.

Anonymous said...

No doubt this will be a devastating financial blow to ARSI. Where can I send my contribution, and in whose name?

J. Lebowski said...

Those blogger dudes sound like kindred spirits. Tell them to look me up if they're ever in LA.

Anonymous said...

Are you writing this drivel from a state psychiatric institution? If so, you desperately need to have your meds checked again. Or staff should cut off your computer access.

WillinVa said...

Ummm... I would like to apply for a position with the Ruabagan. What are my chances?