Saturday, April 21, 2007

Pureed rutabaga additive for pet foods (experimental)

Due to mounting concerns about the quality of pet food in the U.S., ARSI has been developing an experimental recipe for pureed rutabagas that can be safely added to any pet-food blends that remain on the market. ARSI hopes that these experiments will eventually open vast new markets for rutabaga farmers.

In our experiments to date, rutabagas must be pureed because laboratory trials suggest that dogs and cats find traditional mashed rutabagas too coarse for their taste. However, the extreme macromolecular density of rutabagas presents serious challenges to creating purees. The following experimental recipe has shown some promise in reducing preparation times for a pureed rutabaga additive to pet food.

Pureed Rutabaga Pet Food Additive
Experimental recipe #ARSI-9 - 26Z48
[Not suitable for human or animal consumption.]

Important: Increase cooking times by 30% at altitudes over 3,000 feet. As a precaution, safety goggles and body armor are highly recommended during every phase of preparation.

[Note: Mixed with gray food coloring, pureed rutabagas also serve
as a reliable substitute for mortar in various masonry applications.]


Anonymous said...

You may remember my message concerning rutabaga dreams. You advised me to increase the rutabaga content of my diet in order to quell the nightmares.

I must apologize for my belated response; I have been hospitalized the entire time. Upon following your directions the nightmares ceased, but other problems soon presented. Between bouts of painful hemorrhaging, my health care professional informed me of my severe allergy to rutabagas.

Ever since the hospital transferred me to a sterile, rutabaga-free environment my health has steadily improved, but the nightmares have emerged again with a newfound intensity.

My dilemma is clear. My question is: are there any rutabaga substitutes on the market? Surely the rutabaga-intolerant deserve such an option. A reasonable facsimile may be just enough to help me get a decent night's sleep. Approximating the unique texture, flavor and nutrient content of rutabagas may be a challenge, but I would be prepared to offer a sizable grant if ARSI promised to dedicate some research to this topic.

M.J. O'Brien said...

Dear Anon--

Unfortunately, there couldn't possibly be any "substitute" for the rutabaga, and we at ARSI commiserate with you on being denied this vital source of nutrition and gourmet eating. Frankly, this is the first case of rutabaga intolerance that has ever been brought to our attention. The medical literature in our vast library contains no references to this sad condition.

Rest assured that our team of rutabotanists will make appropriate use of the "sizable grant" you propose. We will work hard to see whether there can be any relief for the rutabaga-intolerant. Please write Mr. MacAroon III directly with all the particulars of your funding proposal (U.S. dollars, euros or kruggerands preferred).

Anonymous said...

I Live in Askov-MN The Rutabaga Capital of the world. I am trying to find out the PH of a rutabaga as I use it to make a Rutabaga Jam for my store. Lena of Lena's

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