The Rutabagan

NEWSFLASH: 14th Annual Rutabaga Curling World Championship results

2012-01-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

The 14th Annual Rutabaga Curling World Championship was held in the usual bitter cold on Saturday, December 17, 2011, at the Farmer's Market in Ithaca, NY. Commissioner Steve reports that "this year's curl was great as usual" and Gold Medal Winner Steve Paisley will surely be a great ambassador for our sport." Steve adds that Mr. Paisley's enthralling account, "The Man with the Huge Oblong Rutabaga", was "done so well that it really gives the flavor of our event from the eyes and mind of a contestant!" Highly recommended (including photos)!

It is with some sadness, but also with profound gratitude and congratulations, that we note the following from Commissioner Steve:

"I myself am stepping down as Commissioner (16 years is enough!) but am handing the role into the able hands of our Ithaca Farmers' market to be run by a Curl Committee as it seems like it will take at least 20 people to replace me!"

Steve, rutabagans everywhere will miss you and your unwavering support for global rutaculture -- be sure to keep in touch!

BREAKTHROUGH: Photosynthesis stimulated in human subjects

2011-04-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

Now humans can literally "veg out!" A transgene of the common rutabaga (Brassica napobrassica) has been genetically modified in ARSI labs to permit treated human skin tissue to simulate photosynthesis and, in optimal sunlight conditions, generate +/- 1.23 kilocalories every 24 hours. Photosynthesis begins within 72 hours after topical application of a green gel (designated as GL-4A) made from rutabaga extract and continues for at least two weeks. Imagine the possibilities!

An independent review by the U.S. National Academy of Sciences found: "The photosynthesis rate can be enhanced through ingestion of copious quantities of organic herring or kelp emulsions. The possibility of making drastic reductions in human caloric requirements on a planetary scale has profound implications that hardly need to be elaborated."

The NAS study adds: "A collateral benefit is a demonstrable improvement in memory. Induction of the rutabaga cDNA in experimental adult subjects corrects the olfactory memory impairment found in rutabaga mutants. Induction of the cDNA only during the larval and pupal stages was inconsequential to performance in olfactory memory tasks."

The original ARSI analysis found just one known side effect: "GL-4A creates a lasting greenish cast in the affected area" (as shown in the photo of one of ARSI's experimental subject).

Update: The U.S. Surgeon General has given tentative approval for sale of this product everywhere except the Pacific Northwest. The Surgeon General found that GL-4A would be ineffectual in that region unless it was applied in "toxic quantitities." ARSI is appealing that portion of the decision.

[Stay tuned to this blog and ARSI's website for additional updates.]

Guest Blogger: The World's Fare

2010-03-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

This week's guest blogger, Diane at "The World's Fare," precedes her latest (and very informative) entry on the noble rutabaga with this quote from Garrison Keillor, whose enthusiasm for our favorite root vegetable is unsurpassed anywhere on the planet:

"So many people confuse rutabagas with turnips. They're not alike at all. Rutabagas have a pleasant yellow-orange color, large friendly-looking leaves, and a smooth dense texture. Turnips are fish-belly white and purple on top like a bad bruise and have hairy leaves and taste brackish, like swamp water. Rutabagas are the root crop that any sensible person would prefer."
— Garrison Keillor on "Prairie Home Companion"

Finally, ARSI takes long-delayed pleasure in announcing that The Oregonian, via Diane's blog and its own OregonLive website, has finally recognized Forest Grove as the Rutabaga Capital of the World Since 1951.

We look forward to joining Diane and The Oregonian in getting out the word on all the festivities that are planned for the International Year of the Rutabaga.

12th Annual Rutabaga Curling Championship - the winning roll

2010-02-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

The dramatic winning roll of this world-class annual event at the Farmer's Market in Ithaca, New York, which took place in December 2009. ARSI sends its congratulations to all participants for another spirited contest.

And here's a look back at the memorable Podium Moment and victory speech from the 2008 competition:

And, finally, a rousing Rutabaga Chorus from the choir in 2008:

Artist of the Month: David Gilhooly and his "Frog Series"

2010-02-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

Gilhooly's Work of the Month: "Frog Seducing a Rutabaga in an Overstuffed Armchair" (1974)

This courageous and groundbreaking work, best viewed as an animated GIF, delicately explores the amorous lives of a rutabaga and a frog. It's part of the collection of the Burlington Art Centre (Ontario), which describes the work as follows:

"Frog in blue jeans and a sleeveless shirt with a turnip [sic.] on its knee in a stuffed rose-coloured armchair with wooden feet; made during the time Gilhooly was in Canada." [With respect, I suggest that it's time for the curators of the BAC to appreciate the obvious differences between rutabagas and turnips.]

Rutabagas in literature: "From beyond the stars..."

2010-02-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

As the literary influence of the rutabaga expands on earth, new horizons are rapidly opening up in space. Quentin Dodd's novel is a case in point.

Publisher's Weekly offers the following summary:

"In the spirit of Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker series comes a spunky debut novel about teenage science-fiction fans recruited by feuding alien races to serve as commanders in a major battle. Everyboy Walter Nutria agrees to help the Lirgonians, who look "like chubby middle-aged men... [in] too-tight pajamas with built-in feet, mittens, and hoods." His almost-girlfriend Yselle ("It's not like we've been out on dates or anything, but we watch movies together all the time," says Walter) is strategizing for their enemy, the Wotwots, who look like giant rutabagas. It's a wild ride, especially since the spaceships break, mysterious mice keep stealing everything in sight, and neither group of aliens has any military skill or even common sense. They're especially given to kvetching about each other: "I don't have to take this from the culture that plays kazoos at its weddings!" screams the Wotwot captain. Eventually, the teenagers convince the aliens to unite in persecution of the havoc-wreaking Space Mice, and they all wind up saving the universe from a power-mad villain named Doctoral Candidate X. This is not for readers who like their characters rational: people risk their lives out of boredom and believe unbelievable lies. But Dodd's agenda is laughs, and his extravagant imagination matches well with his flippant writing style. A lighter-than-air read that opts for wit over logic. Ages 10-up."

At last: A recipe for Rutabaga Pudding

2010-01-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

Kudos to Kara L. Kraemer of the Yakima Healthy Foods Examiner for her informative comments about the rutabaga and two tasty recipes: mashed rutabagas and winter rutabaga pudding, as well as a passing reference to ARSI's website.

[Photo: rutabaga pudding fresh out of the oven, sprinkled with nutmeg.]

Outrageous Canadian tariff on Rutabagas

2010-01-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

UPDATE (January 28, 2010): The Canadian government escalated the border incident described below by confiscating the entire shipment of ARSI rutabagas and placing them in "permanent quarantine" in an abandoned uranium mine near Radium Hot Springs, B.C. The rutabagas were sealed inside a concrete shell at a depth of 6,879 ft., allegedly to "protect future generations from this highly-toxic, genetically-modified product." ARSI's team of litigators has filed a formal protest under NAFTA export rules.

___________________________________

On January 6, 2010, a tractor-trailer carrying a shipment of 2,680 kilograms of Grade A rutabagas was blocked by Canadian customs authorities near Sumas, Washington. The rutabagas were recently harvested from ARSI's experimental rutabaga fields outside Forest Grove, Oregon. They were destined for the tables and palates of the thousands of athletes and spectators who will be attending next month's Winter Olympics in Vancouver and Whistler, B.C.

The stated reasons for blocking the shipment were specious. Canadian border authorities demanded:

1. That ARSI pay a tariff in the confiscatory sum of $2.44 CDN per kilo;

2. That the rutabagas be placed in quarantine for six months to demonstrate that they are free of a rare fungus known as Karelian clubroot (Puccinia sparganioides); and,

3. That the experimental rutabagas (ARSI Lot #2009-ZX2375-VNB4) be shown to be "safe for human and animal consumption" before they can be admitted into Canada, preferably by "providing at least three peer-reviewed articles from reputable horticultural journals."

While she was detained at the border for over six hours, ARSI's truck driver overheard a Canadian customs official making the following remark to an inspector: "And if they manage to do all that, we'll come up with another list. That garbage will never get past the border as long as I'm wearing this uniform."

The refusal to admit the shipment is rapidly escalating into an international incident that could threaten the close ties between Canada and the U.S. ARSI's legal counsel has requested that the Obama adminitration file a formal protest and take further legal action "including, but not limited to, trade sanctions against producers of Canadian rutabagas and turnips."

At last report, the rutabagas are being stored temporarily in a warehouse near Sumas, Washington. As the photograph (left) shows, they have been carefully crated and remain in excellent condition.

The real reason for all the bureaucratic obstacles seems clear enough: Canadian rutabaga and turnip farmers, especially the huge co-ops in Saskatoon and Halifax, Nova Scotia, have always opposed ARSI's genetic innovations and open competition in a free market.

ARSI encourages its friends and supporters to contact their representatives in Congress to demand immediate measures to reverse this insupportable decision by Canadian customs authorities.

Dawn Wells Potato Peeling Video

2009-11-27T16:38:00.001-08:00

Would this work on a rutabaga?

On to new horizons: the Himalayan foothills

2009-09-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

In an exciting and unexpected development, ARSI President for Life Obie MacAroon sent the following dispatch from Santiago, Chile, on September 1st:

"Our search for the tropical rutabaga will now shift to the Himalayan foothills, where several promising discoveries have recently been reported by a Uzbeki botanical research team funded by a major grant from the ARSI Rutascience Foundation in Forest Grove. The tropical Terai region of Nepal will be the focus of our initial investigations. While our collection of spores from the Andes awaits further DNA analysis (photo) at ARSI's lab complex, we'll be moving our search back to the northern hemisphere."

In honor of the occasion, President MacAroon has declared:

INTERNATIONAL RUTABAGA MONTH - SEPTEMBER, 2009

As of this writing, President MacAroon and his team are en route to Kathmandu via chartered jet. Check back regularly for updates on the progress of this ambitious effort.

PHOTO: Electron microscope of the enhancer detector line of a tropical rutabaga suspect highlighting the mushroom body neurons.

President for Life MacAroon returns to ARSI's expedition in Chile

2009-08-02T01:20:00.000-07:00

In honor of the safe return of ARSI President for Life Obie MacAroon III to his expedition in the Chilean highlands, the Board of the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute (ARSI) has declared:

INTERNATIONAL RUTABAGA MONTH - AUGUST, 2009

Last week President MacAroon was released from jail in Pintodos after being taken into custody on a fugitive warrant from the U.S. based on allegations of tax fraud that his team of Chilean lawyers described as "completely bogus." The release was effected as soon as cash payments could be arranged for certain "routine fees" to local officials.

While the human-rights community awaits additional details concerning this unfortunate misunderstanding, we are pleased to report that the ARSI expedition will immediately resume its intensive search for the legendary tropical rutabaga (Brassica napobrassica tropicales).

PHOTO: Police and curious onlookers outside the Pintodos jail await Obie MacAroon III's release.

ARSI's 55th Anniversary!

2009-06-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, June 16th, is the 55th Anniversary of ARSI's founding by Obie MacAroon, our mentor and continuing inspiration. Appropriately enough, the ARSI Board of Directors has declared June to be INTERNATIONAL RUTABAGA MONTH.

Celebrations at ARSI's headquarters complex in Forest Grove have been temporarily placed on hold due to an inexplicable lack of contact with Obie MacAroon III, President for Life, from his expedition's base camp at 16,400 ft. / 5,000 m. in the Chilean Andes.

In his last email transmission via satellite on June 2nd, President MacAroon mentioned threatening late-fall weather, including thunderstorms and high-altitude rockslides. The photograph (above) was taken the previous week during a brief clearing period.

MacAroon and his team of rutabotanists also reported progress in their search for the elusive tropical rutabaga, including an abundance of airborne rutabaga spores in the vicinity of the camp.

The Rutabagan will be updated as soon as we receive further news from the expedition in Chile.

Tropical rutabaga discovered, at last?

2009-05-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

The Board of the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute (ARSI) has declared:

NATIONAL RUTABAGA MONTH - MAY, 2009

Writing via satellite email from his advanced base camp on Bolivia's Machacamarca plateau, ARSI President for Life Obie MacAroon reports:

"Thanks again to ARSI's Board for this unprecedented honor."

"I am very pleased on this occasion to report that, on April 27th, a team of ARSI rutabotanists found a single specimen of an exotic root vegetable (left) that bears a significant resemblance to the familiar rutabaga. It was located in an alpine meadow on the slopes of Illimani at 17,253 ft. / 5,260 meters, not far from La Paz. The tuber's color and cylindrical shape may not instantly evoke the rutabaga, but the odor and texture of the flesh are nearly identical. Small tissue samples have been sent to ARSI's labs in Forest Grove for DNA analysis to determine whether this discovery could be the fabled tropical rutabaga, (Brassica napobrassica tropicales)."

"Finally, with only 45 days until the celebration of ARSI's 55th Anniversary, I have written a personal letter to my friend President Barack Obama and suggested that this would be an appropriate time to draft a proclamation suitable to the occasion. I'll keep you posted on the response."

PHOTO: President for Life Obie MacAroon III (Copyright 2009)

It's National Rutabaga Month!

2009-04-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

The Board of the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute (ARSI) has declared:

NATIONAL RUTABAGA MONTH - APRIL, 2009

Writing via satellite email from his advanced base camp on Bolivia's Machacamarca plateau, ARSI President for Life Obie MacAroon notes: "I am humbled and honored once again by our Board as we move ever closer to our goal of a confirmed discovery of the elusive tropical rutabaga (Brassica napobrassica tropicales)."

PHOTO: The Obie MacAroon III Nanotechnology Center, nearing completion at ARSI's vast laboratory complex near Forest Grove, Oregon - Rutabaga Capital of the World Since 1954.

ARSI: A new presence on Facebook

2009-03-19T01:50:00.000-07:00

ARSI is pleased to announce that our new Rutabaga Studies group on Facebook has been enthusiastically received. The group, open to all Facebook users, offers the following mission statement:

Dedicated to the preservation and expansion of rutabaga agronomy and culture through science, art, cuisine and athletics. This is the official Facebook representative for the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute (ARSI), located in Forest Grove, Oregon, USA -- the Rutabaga Capital of the World Since 1951.

At a press conference in Peru, ARSI President for Life Obie MacAroon III stated: "We are pleased to take yet another step towards expanding ARSI's outreach efforts in every corner of the planet."

In response to persistent questioning from reporters, President MacAroon vigorously denied rumors that he had awarded himself a $62 million bonus from stimulus funds obtained by ARSI under the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009. "My actual bonus was less than half that amount," he declared. "Furthermore, my attorneys advised me that I had no choice but to give myself the bonus due to a pre-existing contractual obligation."

2008 Curling Championship: The Vociferous Cruciferous Choir

2009-03-01T14:47:00.001-08:00

If you need further proof that the 2008 Rutabaga Curling Championship was the best ever, despite the arctic conditions, take a look at the brilliant and spirited performance of the Rutabaga Chorus by the hardy Vociferous Cruciferous Choir in Ithaca, New York. (For those with a high-speed connection, it works best in High Quality, with "Smooth Video" selected.)

Choir member Tad Brennan, who reports that he "discovered the long-lost lyrics in the archives at Cornell University's Rare Manuscript collection," gives us the opportunity to sing along:

"Rutabaga! Sport of the odder Ithacan natives. The rutabaga curled nearest the cone is winner of our sport, and of first prize. [Repeat refrain forever and ever]. Fling that thing! The sport of sports. Root of roots, and sport of sports. Rutabaga!"

Tad says that he's "the tall guy in the back row wearing the Carhartt coveralls, bow-tie, and cummerbund."

High Commissioner Steve describes how his many followers can find him in the video:

"When the camera pans off to the right onto the stage soon after the song begins there are 2 of us up there...one with the cowboy hat/poncho (Peter MacDonald our emcee) and me...blue jacket/top hat/crazy ear muffs/enhanced side burns. On our own website we hope to soon have a cast of characters section so you can get more of a feel for the event."

Congratulations once more to all our good friends in Ithaca, and a special tip 'o the hat to Diane Petunia, Commissioner Steve and Tad Brennan.

PHOTO: Perfection! A sliced rutabaga showing the special qualities prized by rutabaga curlers everywhere: a spherical shape, extreme density and variegated color. This specially-bred specimen, measuring an impressive 9.86 on Mohs hardness scale, could only be cut with a diamond-studded industrial saw. [Wikimedia Commons]

New U.S. Stamp commemorates Obie MacAroon I

2009-02-07T23:27:00.001-08:00

ARSI takes great pleasure in announcing, in cooperation with the U.S. Postal Service, a new 8-cent Commemorative Stamp in honor of Obie MacAroon I, our Founder and ongoing inspiration.

The new stamp will be issued in a limited edition on April 1, 2009. The familiar portrait of Obie MacAroon was painted by celebrated artist P.W.C. Magillicuddy in 1954. It shows our Founder at the very moment he conceived the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute and its complex of laboratories, now located outside scenic Forest Grove, Oregon.

MacAroon was born on June 16, 1904, at the family homestead near Trout Lake, Washington. As a child of five, he began to explore the intricate world of horticulture in the rutabaga patch adjoining his humble one-room cabin. Entirely self-educated, he went on to conduct experiments in rutabaga hybridization that attracted the attention of several neighboring farmers.

After an unsuccessful attempt to persuade the Pentagon to add rutabagas to C-Rations during World War II, MacAroon moved to Forest Grove, Oregon, and planted his first commercial rutabaga crop in 1951. After three years of successful harvests, he established the modest first headquarters of the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute in 1954.

On the 50th anniversary of ARSI's founding, a petition was filed to establish Our Founder's birthplace (left) as a National Historic Monument. For unexplained reasons, the application has languished in "administrative review status" for nearly eight years.

Reached via satellite phone at his botanical field station in the Peruvian Andes, ARSI President for Life Obie MacAroon III commented on the MacAroon stamp: "This long-overdue recognition represents a complete vindication of my grandfather's efforts, which regrettably were not fully appreciated during his long and fruitful lifetime." President MacAroon expressed understandable dismay when he was informed that the USPS has refused to share revenues from the sale of stamps with ARSI.

Results are in for the 2008 Rutabaga Curl

2009-01-19T16:26:00.000-08:00

Our good friend Commissioner Steve gives us the following update on our favorite sporting competition:

"The 2008 International Rutabaga Curling World Championship was held in the usual Ithaca, NY Farmers' Market venue. It was perhaps our coldest Curl on record which kept the crowd size down and had many athletes reconsidering the wisdom of heading out to hurl vegetables in extreme cold. It was however one of the most exciting Curl's in our history. This was the first field with fewer than 100 athletes in many years; just over 60 curlers braved the weather.

"A separate Turnip Toss was held for athletes 8 years and younger. Many young people are attracted to our sport but are unable to handle the demands of the heftier rutabaga...a Turnip Toss offers a smaller more delicate projectile, the throw distance is significantly shorter than the 79 foot Rutabaga Curl distance; pitching distance is a function of contestants' age. Five year old Zeke Lawrence took home the coveted Gold Medal, Phoenix Uticone took Silver while Henry Toori took third place.

"In the Rutabaga Curl itself there were many no shows as teams that had trained all year were noticeably absent due to the severe weather. This created a wide open, unpredictable field. Tom Mansell, a 25 year old Cornell graduate student took home the Gold. His first curled rutabaga took a bad hop off a wooden beam and split perfectly in 2 pieces. After much discussion by referees and the Commissioner it was decided that Tom's initial rutabaga was faulty ( hollow) and a replacement rutabaga was allowed along with a new shot at the target. Tom's rutabaga both in his heat and in the final round were consistently closest to the target. Tom modestly proclaimed that "anyone could have done this" ...but we know otherwise. Ray Schlather of Ithaca took the Silver medal; his medal was significant in that he is the first athlete ever to medal more than once as he won the bronze the year before. David Kingsbury, a potter who is a vendor at the Ithaca Farmers' Market, took the bronze medal marking the first market vendor to medal in many years."

--Commissioner Steve for the Rutabaga Curl

Thanks, Steve. Obie MacAroon III and all the rest of us at ARSI extend our heartiest congratulations to you and the other participants for another successful curling event, despite the arduous circumstances.

PHOTO: A pile of ARSI rutabagas, genetically engineered to be suitable for curling and ready to roll (Wikimedia)

New Year's Message from Obie MacAroon III

2009-01-01T22:01:00.000-08:00

Obie MacAroon III, in a text message from his winter quarters near Iquitos, Peru, writes:

"Greetings once again from Iquitos!

"This picture, taken with my satellite phone, shows the large crowd that gathered in traditional dress to celebrate my return to Iquitos after a foray into the Andes in search of the legendary and elusive tropical rutabaga (Brassical napobrassica tropicales). Despite its length (2 hours, 53 minutes), my speech was well-received by the gracious crowd.

"While our botanists discovered what appeared to be rutabaga spores at high altitude (16,200 feet) on Cerro de Pasco, the search to date has been inconclusive. We will, of course, persevere.

"A Peaceful and Happy New Year to rutabagans everywhere!"

Obie MacAroon III
ARSI President for Life

Next month President MacAroon and his expedition will move south to Bolivia's Machacamarca plateau, where local farmers are reported to be cultivating a variant of the tropical rutabaga.

Paula's mashed rutabaga recipe

2008-12-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

From Paula Deen's Best Dishes show on the Food Network. (Vegetarians will want to lose the "streak o' lean," needless to say.)

New world record: 77.9 lbs / 35.4 kg.!

2008-12-06T13:09:00.001-08:00

A giant rutabaga grown by Norm Craven of Cannington, Ontario, Canada, has established a new world record for a non-GMO rutabaga. Mr. Craven's rutabaga weighed in at a hefty 77.8 lbs. / 35.4 kg.

Despite ARSI's vehement protests over the years, the World Record Academy and Guinness Book of World Records will not accept weight and size records established by GMO's (genetically-modified organisms). In 2006, for example, Guinness refused to even acknowledge the existence of a 378.22 pound / 172 kg. rutabaga grown in ARSI's experimental labs on the ground that it was "genetically engineered."

Annual Rutabaga Curl - Ithaca, NY

2008-12-05T13:18:00.000-08:00

Our good friend Steve Sierigk, Commissioner of the Annual Rutabaga Curl in Ithaca, New York, sends the following announcement about this year's competition and last year's highlights:

"We are beginning preparations for yet another great Rutabaga Curl...our eleventh annual! This year's event is scheduled for Saturday, December 20th at high noon!

"We have had quite a year. Our torch bearer set out on a goodwill tour of the U.S. earlier this summer. This generally goes off without too much incident; but this year our torch bearer was hounded and harassed unmercifully. It turns out that our Rutabaga Curl's Torch bearer (a Swede of great stature no less) was being confused with the torch bearer from another sporting event which was apparently not as popular as our own. Our torch bearer has finally come out of hiding and is fortunately making his way back to Ithaca, home of our Annual Rutabaga Curl. Unlike that other sporting event referred to earlier we welcome protests & protesters of all kinds as it only adds to the ambience that makes our Curling event great!

"Apparently another NY State county (Steuben) will hold their first annual Rutabaga Curl, fully sanctioned by the Commissioner. So our sport continues to grow.

"By the way early music scholars at Cornell found an early draft of George Frederic Handel's Messiah. The words were not Hallelujah! but rather Rutabaga! The first ever live performance of this piece will be unveiled at this year's Curl! We hope to have the piece on our rutabaga curl site soon after the event.

"Lastly a farmer friend sent me a link to a curious sport also involving the hurling of root vegetables...see below.

"Have A Great Winter!"

Thanks, Steve, for keeping us posted once again. We look forward to receiving the official results, which we assume will be delayed until January pending the outcome of the usual lab tests for performance-enhancing substances.

ARSI staff also appreciates the link to the Mangold Hurling Association the U.K. We've taken the liberty of forwarding it to Obie MacAroon III at his research station in the upper Amazonian basin of Peru.

PHOTO (above): ARSI #23PN237-432A, a genetically-modified, high-density rutabaga specifically designed for curling.

POSTER (top): Courtesy of Steve Sierigk, Commissioner of the Annual Rutabaga Curl.

ARSI: Working for safer highways

2008-11-09T20:13:00.000-08:00

Few people realize that ARSI truckers log over 925,000 miles per year while delivering 2.73 million tons of rutabagas to various destinations around North America. That's why ARSI, along with several other large shippers, was chosen to take part in an extensive study of driver behavior by the Motorized Information-Sharing Technology Survey (MISTS) at the University of Southwestern North Dakota.

The focus of MISTS was on the effects of familiar distractions reported by drivers everywhere, including the rampant use of modern technologies. The authors assumed that, "unfortunately, many drivers routinely allow themselves to be distracted from the road by hunger, boredom and the perceived need to constantly communicate with others." Reading, text-messaging, frequent laptop use, snacking and napping were by far the most common distractions reported by drivers.

Some of the results and recommendations of MISTS were surprising:

Some highway snacks are safer than others. French fries and potato chips, though easily consumed while still watching the road ahead, were especially dangerous. Why? "They tend to be greasy, causing the fingers to slip off the steering wheel more readily," the authors note. Pizza posed relatively few risks, especially if the crust was thicker and therefore less likely to spill hot mozzerella onto the driver's lap.
While there's no doubt that M&M's "melt in your mouth,not in your hand," this treat is less than ideal for snacking while driving. The reason? Drivers are likely to become distracted while groping on the seat or floor for dropped candies. Traditional chocolate bars may be safer.
USA Today was the safest newspaper to read while driving, while The New York Times was the most dangerous. The reason? USA Today has short articles, with shorter words, and the articles all appear on the same page. Turning newspaper pages while driving was particularly hazardous. And Readers Digest is far safer than the novels of Proust or Joyce.
Text-messaging and email drafting should be limited to straight stretches of the highway, with no more than five words entered at any one time. Be sure to allow a few extra seconds between yourself and the car ahead of you. Use abbreviations or acronyms where possible and do not feel that you need to respond instantly to incoming messages.
In another surprising finding, many drivers could nap without incident on long straightaways during periods of light traffic, provided they set an alarm to limit snoozing to no more than 30 seconds. Napping drivers should never set their cruise control at speeds higher than the limit.
If you're going to watch a YouTube video that's longer than 30 seconds, be sure to slow to within 10 mph of the speed limit.

In response to these findings, ARSI immediately initiated an ambitious program to retrain its drivers.

The authors of the MISTS study conclude: "While we don't want to encourage dangerous driving behaviors, we simply must recognize that many drivers will seek out distractions from the tedious chore of driving. Our goal is therefore to identify and stigmatize the most dangerous behaviors in the hope of encouraging safer driving habits."

PHOTO: ARSI delivery truck loaded and ready to roll (unmarked to discourage road piracy).

ARSI endorses Obama - Tuesday is "National Rutobama Day"

2008-11-02T13:25:00.000-08:00

The following ARSI Press Release, personally drafted by ARSI President for Life Obie MacAroon III, was text-messaged by satellite from the Amazon rainforests of Peru:

"For the first time in its long history, ARSI is pleased to endorse a presidential candidate: Barack Obama.

"Although it is not known whether Senator Obama has ever even tasted rutabagas, it is clear that he is open to recognizing the virtues of root vegetables other than the potato. The evidence? In recent stump speeches, he has been referring to "sweet potato pie" in terms like the following: "We might have to have a sweet potato pie contest. I'll be the judge. Cause I know my sweet potato pie."

"Surely a candidate who recognizes the appeal of the lowly sweet potato would be equally susceptible to the charms of rutabaga pie. We at ARSI will make every effort to include rutabaga pie in the contest that he's offered to judge.

"Unlike his opponents [see below for details], Obama offers rutabagans everywhere a priceless commodity: hope.

"With the power vested in me by our organization, I take pride in declaring that Election Day, 2008, shall be known as NATIONAL RUTOBAMA DAY!"

--Obie MacAroon III - Iquitos, Peru

This coveted endorsement followed weeks of appraisals of the candidates' opinions on rutabagas and other root vegetables.

The McCain campaign, in response to an email inquiry, tersely replied: "Go f*** yourselves!"

Sarah Palin was more receptive, exclaiming: "Yes, we grow giant rutabagas in Alaska, and I can even look out my window and see a patch or two. Let me think about it." A few minutes later, though, a staffer called and said: "Sorry, no can do. We hear you people are a bunch of whack jobs."

Joe Biden, reached by telephone, said "Are you joking?" before hanging up in apparent disgust.

Based on its careful evaluation of the candidates, ARSI is pleased to endorse Barack Obama for President.

UPDATE (11/2/08):

A six-figure donation to Obama/Biden, personally signed by Obie MacAroon, was "politely but firmly rejected" by the campaign, according to an Obama representative in Chicago.

Obie MacAroon III speaks

2008-10-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

ARSI's corporate office has just received the following email dispatch from Obie MacAroon III, President for Life. For the last two years, President MacAroon has been exploring the upper Amazon basin in Peru with an expert team of botanists.

October 14, 2008
Iquitos, Peru

My friends,

It has recently come to my attention, thanks to an intrepid correspondent, that no entries whatsover have been made on The Rutabagan since January 1st of this year. This is totally unacceptable to me -- an outrage, in fact. I remind you all that ARSI's current budget includes a $1.2 million line item to fund a staff of 84 bloggers and support staff to update and maintain The Rutabagan on "a regular basis," as it says in their contracts.

Needless to say, I hereby direct that the entire Rutabagan staff be fired immediately: i.e., by 5:00 p.m. today. Before being allowed to leave, each staffer should be thoroughly searched for stolen valuables such as office supplies and highly-sensitive trade secrets from our experimental labs. I further direct that our legal team pursue a relentless litigation strategy to hold staff accountable for its nonfeasance and neglect of duty.

Meanwhile, the search for the "tropical rutabaga" continues in the lowlands of central Peru, with many promising leads that we intend to pursue in the coming months and years. With global warming, of course, the discovery of this species could greatly promote the spread of rutaculture worldwide.

Finally, my congratulations to loyal staff on the recent designation of October, 2008, as National Rutabaga Month. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Obie MacAroon III
ARSI President for Life

Rest assured, rutabagans, that President MacAroon's directive will be pursued immediately and without remorse. As pictured below, ARSI's private security detail has already assumed control of the offices and outbuildings of The Rutabagan. Slight resistance from staff was quickly overcome.

ARSI will immediately hire an entirely new staff to upgrade and maintain The Rutabagan. We apologize to our many readers for the paucity of recent entries -- a problem that will be corrected in the very near future. Please stay tuned, and thanks for your patience.

Rutabaga curling update!

2008-01-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

The 10th Annual International Rutabaga Curl has concluded another intense competition at the Farmer's Market in Ithaca, New York. Our congratulations to Commissioner Steve and all the individual and team participants for a very successful event.

As we watch this exciting sport grow exponentially, we at ARSI are hopeful that rutabaga curling will become a regular event in the winter Olympics, starting in 2010 at Vancouver, B.C.

Yet another LAF

2007-11-16T21:21:00.000-08:00

The Lazy-Assed Finns (LAF) Association recently expanded its membership by 20% with the birth of Elsa Matilda Ackley-oo (pictured left with sister Ida, also known as The Dudette).

Elsa was born on November 5, 2007. She weighed in at a robust 3,490 grams and extended a full 50 cm. Though Elsa was born at 0700 FPDT (Finnish Perpetual Darkness Time), it is reported that she slept until noon.

We here at ARSI extend hearty congratulations to her proud parents and grandparents, all of whom are charter members of LAF.

With the addition of Elsa to the Finnish population, that country has virtually doubled its birth rate for 2007. Considering that Finns are among the laziest people who infest the planet, this is an especially impressive feat on the part of the parents. The production of children, after all, can require significant efforts from conception through birth and far beyond. Sadly, few modern Finns are prepared to expend that much energy.

Fortunately for Elsa, as well as her sister Ida and her mother Hanna, the new arrival bears no resemblance to Immu Ackely-oo, her simian father (left).

PHOTOS courtesy Immu and Hanna Ackley-oo.

ARSI's First HQ: National Historic Monument?

2007-09-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

The Board of Directors of the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute is pleased to announce that our first corporate headquarters near Forest Grove will soon be nominated for the National Register of Historic Places. This designation will mark the beginning of a $1.2 million fundraising drive to purchase and renovate this historic property, which has been sadly neglected since it was partly consumed by a fire of suspicious origins back in 1977.

ARSI's headquarters was originally homesteaded by Aloysius P. Weatherspoon, Founder Obie MacAroon's great-grandfather, in 1878. MacAroon relocated to the farm and founded ARSI in 1954 after soil analysis revealed that the Forest Grove location offered ideal conditions for rutabaga cultivation.

As stated on Our Founder's home page:

"MacAroon was born on June 16, 1904, at the family homestead near Trout Lake, Washington. As a child of five, he began to explore the intricate world of horticulture in the rutabaga patch adjoining his humble one-room cabin. Entirely self-educated, he went on to conduct experiments in rutabaga hybridization that attracted the attention of several neighboring farmers.
"After an unsuccessful attempt to persuade the Pentagon to add rutabagas to C-Rations during World War II, he moved to Forest Grove, Oregon, and planted his first commercial rutabaga crop in 1951. After three years of successful harvests, he founded the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute in 1954."

Though the arsonists who set fire to the farmhouse were never charged, investigators suspected that the turnipite cabal was directly involved. Our Founder turned necessity to advantage when ARSI's state-of-the-art laboratory complex opened in 1986.

Major gifting opportunities will soon be available for wealthy benefactors who wish to support ARSI's purchase and renovation of the historic Weatherspoon homestead. As the top photos (click to enlarge) reveal, the structure was extensively damaged and will require major repairs. The $1.2 million campaign will also enable ARSI to purchase the adjacent 360 acres (left) and dedicate them to rutabaga cultivation once again.

Mashed rutabagas: Good for a LAF

2007-05-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

Last week the international Lazy-Assed Finns (LAF) Fest (formerly "Festival") came to Portland for its annual meeting. ARSI is pleased to announce that LAF has declared mashed rutabagas its "Recipe of the Year" because, in the words of LAF President for Life Immu (formerly "Ilmari") Ackley-oo, "you don't have to chew it."

Attendance at the conference was limited to three LAF's, probably due to the distance from Finland and the inherent slothfulness of the membership. "At first we were planning to go to Los Angeles," said Ackley-oo, "but we decided it was way too far for our members. We're a bit disappointed, but luckily we know a lot of kindred spirits in Oregon."

Hanna Ackley-oo, Vice President for Life, announced that next year's LAF Fest will be held in the lobby of the Helsinki airport terminal so the LAF's won't have to walk unreasonable distances from their flights. She's confident that attendance will improve.

For Ida Ackley-oo, President of LAF's growing Youth Affiliate, it was her first visit to the USA. Ida was originally named "Private Idaho" Ackley-oo, after the Gus Van Sant film, but it was shortened to "Ida" by her parents because her full name was "three syllables too long" to easily pronounce.

In that spirit, Ida called one of her Oregonian hosts "Dude!" even though his full nickname is "El Duderino." In the grand tradition of LAF, Ida is definitely into the brevity thing. She found Portland's freedom fries, and especially the vintage ketchup offerings, to be "world class."

LAF members travelled to Mt. Hood's Timberline Lodge and sat in their room for two days, followed by several days in a Portland hotel room. Then they went to Gearhart on the Oregon coast and lounged in another room, staring at the wind. For the final days of their trip, they sat in a hotel room in Tigard.

As the LAF Fest neared its end, Vice President Hanna Ackley-oo was pleased to announce that she and her LAF companions recorded an average of just 200 calories per day of effort "beyond basic metabolism," well below their goal of 300 calories. However, President Immu Ackley-oo noted that the mysterious El Duderino logged a mere 50 calories of nonmetabolic effort each day during the LAF Fest. Immu described his friend, with a hint of envy, as "quite possibly the laziest man in Oregon, which puts him in the running for the laziest worldwide."

To all LAF members, who will be enjoying regular servings of mashed rutabagas during the coming year, we wish you "Bon Appétit!"

NOTES

PHOTO #1 (top): LAF President for Life Immu Ackley-oo after being told that he would have to walk nearly 100 meters to his car.

PHOTO #2 (middle): LAF Youth Affiliate President Ida Ackley-oo wondering why adults aren't pushed around in strollers like she is.

PHOTO #3 (bottom): A rare photo of LAF Vice President for Life Hanna Ackley-oo caught in the process of actually moving.

Pureed rutabaga additive for pet foods (experimental)

2007-04-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

Due to mounting concerns about the quality of pet food in the U.S., ARSI has been developing an experimental recipe for pureed rutabagas that can be safely added to any pet-food blends that remain on the market. ARSI hopes that these experiments will eventually open vast new markets for rutabaga farmers.

In our experiments to date, rutabagas must be pureed because laboratory trials suggest that dogs and cats find traditional mashed rutabagas too coarse for their taste. However, the extreme macromolecular density of rutabagas presents serious challenges to creating purees. The following experimental recipe has shown some promise in reducing preparation times for a pureed rutabaga additive to pet food.

Pureed Rutabaga Pet Food Additive
Experimental recipe #ARSI-9 - 26Z48
[Not suitable for human or animal consumption.]

Peel and dice 8-10 fresh rutabagas

Boil vigorously for 28 days or until softened

Marinate for 96 hours in 2 gallons of hydrochloric acid

Drain thoroughly to remove all acid residues, carefully following acid-base extraction procedures approved by the American Chemical Society*

Mash, blend and pulverize into a thick smoldering paste

Add 8 cups whole milk

Add 2 pound of butter

Blend with 20 pounds of dried pet foods, avoiding those subject to recall

Optional: serve dripping with brown gravy or other meat sauce to enhance the pungent natural flavor of the rutabagas

Important: Increase cooking times by 30% at altitudes over 3,000 feet. As a precaution, safety goggles and body armor are highly recommended during every phase of preparation.

[Note: Mixed with gray food coloring, pureed rutabagas also serve
as a reliable substitute for mortar in various masonry applications.]

*The most delicate part of the process involves a strict application of the following formula to the acid-base extraction process:

ARSI is enthusiastically continuing its experiments in developing new pet-food applications for rutabagas. Visit soon for updates on this promising area of inquiry.

PHOTO: Acid-base extraction towers for marinated rutabagas at ARSI's International Headquarters in Forest Grove, Oregon.

Caterpillar devours rutabaga greens

2007-04-08T14:43:00.001-07:00

Caterpillars also have a genetic craving for rutabagas, as demonstrated by this experiment. Note the accumulation of feces on the bottom of the jar.

Genetic appetite for rutabagas

2007-04-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

Is there a gene that creates a craving for rutabagas in humans? A major study on the rutabaga gene in fruit flies (Drosophila pax) suggests that may indeed be the case:

"[R]utabaga encodes a calmodulin dependent adenyl cyclase that converts ATP to cyclic AMP. cAMP is a major signal transducer of the cell, and its creation and destruction is involved in just about every response of the cell to environmental changes. Calmodulin is a protein that binds the Ca++ ion, sensing its cellular concentration and interacting with the rutabaga encoded adenyl cyclase to activate adenyl cyclase mediated enzymatic conversion of ATP into cAMP." From The Interactive Fly © 1995, 1996 Thomas B. Brody, Ph.D.

Rutabaga-encoded adenyle cyclase has also been mapped in the human genome, so the same lust for rutabagas may occur in people, as suggested by ARSI's empirical data. Stay tuned for more information from our labs about this exciting area of scientific inquiry, which led to a Nobel Prize in 1995.

PHOTO: A fruit fly sips rutabaga nectar in an ARSI experiment.

Rotmos recipe - Swedish mashed rutabagas

2007-03-30T22:22:00.001-07:00

With a special tip of the hat to our friend Inger, a rutabagan from Sweden.

Tuo on paskapuhette

2007-03-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

In the "Finnish Journal of Ethnobotanical Studies" for April, University of Jyväskylä Professor Vittu Perkele Jumalauta suggests that preliterate rutabaga cults may have contributed significantly to early oral versions of "The Kalevala," the Finnish national epic poem (first published in 1835).

Professor Jumalauta provocatively concludes: "Tuo on paskapuhette! Seuraavan tulosopimuksen tekoon potkaistiin varovasti alkuvauhtia maanantaina, kun hallitus ja työmarkkinoiden keskusjärjestöt sopivat aloittavansa yhteisen pohjustavan valmistelutyön sopimusta varten. Työmarkkinajohtajien ja pääministeri Paavo Lipposen (sd) tapaamisessa ei selvinnyt, ovatko järjestöt valmiit käymään sopimusneuvottelut hyvissä ajoin ennen vuodenvaihdetta" [pp. 514-15]

Hannu Ahokas, the great Finnish ethnobotanist, elaborates: "Tutkimusassistenttina ja vanhempana tutkijana sekä kasvigenetiikan dosenttina vuodesta alkaen. Nykyisin hän toimii kasvinjalostustutkimuksessa Maa- ja elintarviketalouden tutkimuskeskuksessa Jokioisissa. Viimeisimmistä julkaisuista esimerkkeinä proteiinikemian metodinen julkaisu sekä monitieteelliset artikkelit, jotka käsittelevät muinaissuomalaisten kansojen kasvinviljelyä ja Kymijoen vesien purkautumisen historiaa Salpausselän yli."

GRAPHIC: Ilmari (or "Ilmarinen"), a character from the Kalevala, sowing rutabaga seeds.

The nutritional leader

2007-03-11T16:07:00.000-07:00

The busy laboratories of the American Root Farmers Federation (ARFF) have confirmed the findings on the nutritional content of certain root vegetables previously reported in The Complete Book of Vitamins and Minerals for Health, published by Prevention magazine. And once again, the rutabaga triumphs easily over its competitors. The specifics follow:

VITAMIN C [mg. per 1/2-oz. serving]:
18.60 - Rutabaga
06.45 - potato
04.68 - beet
09.05 - turnip

CALCIUM [mg. per 1/2 oz. serving]
36.00 - Rutabaga
27.00 - potato
09.00 - beet
17.15 - turnip

ARSI studies have also found that the rutabaga is rich in a multitude of trace elements that don't naturally occur among its competitors, including: proactinium, osmium, unilloctium, strontium, dysprosium, antimony, praseodymium, gadolinium and yterrbium. The lanthanide and actinide series are abundantly represented as well

DISCLAIMER: ARSI neither warrants nor implies any health benefits arising from the presence of trace elements, actinides or lanthanides in rutabaga.

Here's some additional nutritional data for 100 grams or 3.5 oz. of rutabaga, as compiled by the good folks at Vegetarians in Paradise in their article Rutabagas - An Uncommon Treat:

Nutrient	Cooked	Raw
Calories	39	36
Protein	1.3 g	1.2 g
Total Fat	.6 g	.6 g
% Calories from fat	5.1%	5.0%
Carbohydrates	8.7 g	8.1 g
Fiber	1.8 g	2.5 g

A cutting issue

2007-03-04T01:27:00.000-08:00

Vexing technical problems continue to hamper efforts to increase the appeal and marketability of the rutabaga. As every recipe demonstrates, the extreme macromolecular densities and mass of the rutabaga guarantee excessive and impractical cooking times for all but the most dedicated rutabagans. However, ARSI's laboratories have taken an innovative look at the problem, resulting in several potential solutions:

A 24,000-watt microwave oven may reduce cooking times to 96 hours for a 2-pound rutabaga;
An ionic oven, under development at CalTech, could reduce baking time to 16.8 hours;
Trial "cooking" sessions using the neutron accelerator at Karnac, Illinois, have miraculously reduced cooking times to 8.4 hours.

The latter method, while most efficient, consumes vast amounts of electricity and can produce catastrophic submolecular degradation [i.e., an explosion] if slight "overcooking" occurs. It therefore seems unlikely to produce a short-term solution.

Extended cooking times are only one of many factors which inhibit consumer acceptance of the rutabaga. ARSI studies have shown that cooking times can be reduced (up to 25%) by cutting rutabagas into very small pieces. However, the extreme hardness of the product renders the process of slicing and dicing very laborious and frustrating. With this in mind, ARSI continues its laboratory trials with industrial-grade wood chippers, whose conventional grinding gears are worn out far too quickly to provide a practical means of preparing rutabagas for cooking. A stainless-steel gear with diamond-studded teeth and a titanium core has been fairly effective, but the cost remains prohibitively high. Researchers are now evaluating miniaturized versions of Boreregard, the rock boring machine recently used to construct a light-rail tunnel in Oregon

PHOTO: A modified Hiroller 1250 wood chipper with diamond-studded teeth and a titanium core, approved by ARSI in 2006 for use in cutting rutabagas. A much smaller and more economical version, suitable for use in kitchens, is currently under development.

Marketing the Rutabaga

2007-02-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

ARSI President Obie MacAroon III has directed your organization to prepare a major spring drive to promote rutabaga consumption.

ARSI's most recent market survey discloses that, despite the strong nutritional values of our product, the American public remains woefully unaware of the true virtues of the rutabaga. The latest statistics for market share (January, 2007) of the Big Five reveal the following:

Percentage of U.S. Market - Big Five root vegetables/tubers
Potato.......................99.94843 %
Sweet potato.................00.00766
Beet.........................00.00432
Turnip.......................00.00016
Rutabaga.....................00.00001

Miscellaneous roots and tubers (beetroots, yams, parsnips, celeriacs, kohlrabi, salsify, scorzonera, skirret, chervils, rampions and scolymus) occupy the remainder of the root market. [Note: The carrot and radish were excluded because they fill a different market niche.]

The Sad Reality: The market share of rutabagas, after reaching a historic peak in 1933, is lower than at any time in modern history. This crisis will be addressed aggressively by your organization with a consumer-education strategy. Its first goal is to implement the "Bury the Turnip" campaign, now under development. This program will allow the rutabaga to finally overtake and eliminate the turnip, our traditional rival. Stay tuned for further details as this exciting campaign gets underway.

UPDATE: Asteroid Apophis approaches

2007-02-19T12:27:00.000-08:00

As noted in The Rutabagan just two days ago, a draft UN treaty has been completed to facilitate contingency planning for potential asteroid collisions with the earth. Today, ABC News reports that a likely candidate, asteroid Apophis, will pass very close to the earth in 2029 and again, even more closely, in 2036. Here are some excerpts from ABC's story :

"Circle your calendar. April 13th, 2036 could be a really, really bad day on planet Earth...

"Dr. Dan Barry, a retired astronaut, told ABC News, 'Even if the probability is low of an asteroid hitting Earth, if it has the potential to have a significant impact, then it has to be looked at. It is the absolutely responsible thing to do. In fact, it would be irresponsible not to do so.'
"Barry said more research is needed so that when a potentially dangerous asteroid is found, there is a plan in place. He said it is therefore important to start the search for asteroids now, to allow enough time to effectively deal with them.

"Scientists believe that if advance warnings of dangerous asteroids like Apophis can be made decades in advance, there will be enough time to try and knock them off course.
"Nobody knows for sure what it would take to push a massive asteroid off its course, but the theoretical possibilities include detonating weapons on an asteroid's surface or using gravitational pull to alter a possible collision course. But it could also break an asteroid into many pieces, all still headed toward Earth.

"Some scientists say a better option could be to launch a large satellite to rendezvous with an asteroid. The mass of the satellite alone could produce enough gravitational pull to change the asteroid's course. [ARSI's emphasis.] Another suggestion is to crash a spacecraft into an asteroid in the hopes of changing its direction.
"'Done far enough away, only a small deflection would be needed and it is kept in one piece,' said Barry...
"So, while astronauts blowing up an asteroid may be movie fiction for now, scientists are already thinking about how to save Earth from a massive asteroid possibly on its way."

Scientists estimate that there are 200,000 to 400,000 large "celestial objects" that could "come within range of our home planet."

As reported here on Saturday, ARSI physicists are already creating a plan to launch a giant rutabaga whose gravity could deflect an asteroid's course. Alternatively, the rutabaga could be used as a missile to obliterate the asteroid.

Another intriguing alternative involves assembling a "cluster" of 100,000 ordinary rutabagas, with a total mass of 150 tons (140,000 kg), in lunar orbit. The rutabagas would be tightly held together by a giant fishing net, then launched toward asteroid Apophis. This interplanetary "barge" could be towed into close proximity of the asteroid, where it would be able to exert enough gravitational tug to deflect its course.

Numerous questions still have to be resolved. For example, physicists are now trying to determine whether such a large mass of rutabagas in lunar orbit would pose any risk of deforming the moon's course around the earth.

Maybe it's time for a Department of Home Planet Security.

PHOTO: NASA

Interplanetary mission for rutabagas

2007-02-17T08:47:00.000-08:00

The BBC reports that a "draft UN treaty" will prepare the way for a contingency plan to deal with potential collisions between the earth and giant asteroids. As required by Congress some years ago, NASA has been monitoring 127 "near-earth objects" that pose a risk of entering the earth's atmosphere. The final treaty should be ready for approval by 2009. The draft treaty is the result of intense lobbying by the Association of Space Explorers.

ARSI is already preparing to bid on the lucrative government contracts that the treaty will inevitably produce. So far, ARSI physicists have found two possible applications of the rutabaga to the asteroid defense program:

The extreme macromolecular densities of conventional rutabagas—not to mention genetically-modified hybrids—could offer a major advantage in the intense competition that is sure to come. ARSI physicists estimate that a single rutabaga weighing 1,200 kg/2,640 lbs could generate enough gravitational force (as documented on our website) to deflect an asteroid from a collision course, especially if the rutabaga interception occurs far from earth.
Used as a projectile, a genetically-modified rutabaga could disintegrate an asteroid up to 4 cubic km. in size. A large rutabaga launched at a speed of 25 km or 15 miles per second could generate forces equal to a 1 megaton nuclear explosion.

International recognition of the asteroid threat is long overdue. According to the BBC, NASA "estimates that there are about 20,000 potentially threatening asteroids yet to be discovered. 'This has gone from being an esoteric statistical argument to talking about real events,' added Dr David Morrison, an astronomer at the Nasa's Ames Research Center."

Rest assured that your organization is poised to exploit this opportunity to serve humankind in an unprecedented international endeavor.

GRAPHIC: Don Davis, NASA [Note: The object hitting the earth is an asteroid, not a giant rutabaga.]

Around the web

2007-02-17T00:59:00.000-08:00

The Los Angeles Times reports that a 75.75 pound Alaskan rutabaga has taken the title of the world's largest rutabaga in the "Heaviest Fruit and Vegetables" category of the Guinness World Records book. [NOTE: Last year, in a controversial decision, the Guiness judges refused to accept a 378.22 pound rutabaga grown in ARSI's experimental labs on the ground that it was "genetically engineered."]

Staff writer Walter Nicholls of the Washington Post, in an article headlined Chefs Transform the Unlovable Rutabaga, notes that "the rutabaga is having a moment in the spotlight." Upscale restaurants are now serving rutabagas with lobster, shrimp stew and "creamy rutabaga soup laced with maple syrup and seasoned with cayenne pepper." Nicholls mentions ARSI's sustained efforts to rehabilitate the rutabaga, but only in passing.

Meanwhile, North Dakota Public Radio's Plains Folk, raises doubts about the credibility of Forest Grove's claim to be the "Rutabaga Capital of the World Since 1951." A hint of envy here, perhaps?

GRAPHIC: John Evans of Palmer, Alaska, with one of his giant rutabagas. He and Mary Evans, his spouse, have accumulated a vast number of prizes for the quantity and quality of their giant vegetable crops.

Nanotechnology discovers the rutabaga

2007-02-15T16:38:00.000-08:00

Can you imagine a car composed of 25% rutabaga fiber? This prospect is the subject of serious research in nanotechnology at the University of Toronto's Faculty of Forestry. In an interview in the Toronto Daily Mail, Professor Mohini Sain states that "biocomposites" from processed plant fibers may be used in many industrial applications, including auto manufacturing, within five years. Sain states:

"When I put natural fibre in, I take out glass fibre and synthetic plastics. It reduces the consumption of crude oil... In another very exciting area of nanotechnology, we are working on developing commercially viable technology to obtain nano-cellulose fibres from wood fibre, agro-fibre and root fibres (such as rutabaga). We have already demonstrated the excellent performance of these fibres when they are added in a plastic as reinforcement."

Cruciferian Website of the Day

2007-02-15T16:11:00.000-08:00

Thanks to our friends at Endless Harvest—an organic food delivery service in Ymir, British Columbia—for devoting much of their latest newsletter to the noble rutabaga. They were also kind enough to spread the word about ARSI's internationally-famous recipe for mashed rutabagas. EH's website offers a number of useful links for producers and consumers of organic vegetables, including recommendations on storage. It's gratifying to see that EH and its customers in the stunning Kootenay country are on the cutting edge, so to speak, of the contemporary cruciferian lifestyle.

A response from Mr. Keillor

2007-02-13T15:23:00.000-08:00

ARSI staff was pleased, and a bit surprised, to receive an immediate response to our invitation to Garrison Keillor and Prairie Home Companion to visit our headquarters in Forest Grove. Here, verbatim, is a portion of the email that we received last night:

"Thanks for your interest in a touring broadcast of A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION.

"When A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION goes on tour, we usually do so in partnership with the local public radio station that carries our show, at their invitation. We only do a few tour dates each season, and we have over 580 public radio stations that carry the program. Competition for a spot on our touring calendar is very keen. It is likely that your public radio station is aware of this, and has already made an application for a tour visit. We receive many applications each year.

"There are some important responsibilities that are assigned to the station that invites us to their community: they must rent an appropriate theater and its equipment; they must cover local stagehand costs, provide local accommodations for our company (up to 75 room nights), and provide local transportation and catering. Due to the expenses incurred on both sides, and also to provide enough seats people to see the show, we recommend a hall that seats a minimum of 2500 people. We find that, even with that size hall, stations must carefully analyze the expenses and their ability to undertake an event of this size. Because the costs for these local expenses (theater rental, stagehands, and hotel rooms) vary from location to location, there is no set fee that we can quote for an appearance. We arrange a formula to share the ticket sale income with the sponsoring station, and we do find that the event sells out in every community that we visit.

"If you would like to pursue this further, or are a part of an organization that might like to underwrite a tour visit, please be in touch with your local public radio station. Thanks again for your interest in A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION. Thanks and keep listening."

No doubt a personal message from Mr. Keillor to President Obie MacAroon is soon to follow. We're already looking forward to working with Oregon Public Broadcasting to arrange PHC's inevitable visit to ARSI.

Quote of the Month

2007-02-11T00:08:00.000-08:00

"The meaning of life is a rutabaga..."

Garrison Keillor, Prairie Home Companion (February 3, 2007)

In an earlier show (December 31, 2005), Mr. Keillor showed an appreciation of the rutabaga that we at ARSI deeply appreciated (especially his dissing of the turnip), but he also referred to a shadowy organization that either never existed, unfortunately, or has ceased to exist. Here is the text of his comments:

"Garrison Keillor: ...brought to you by RCA, the Rutabaga Council of America, representing America's most under-appreciated vegetable, rutabagas.

"So many people confuse rutabagas with turnips. They're not alike at all. Rutabagas have a pleasant yellow-orange color, large friendly-looking leaves, and a smooth dense texture. Turnips are fish-belly white and purple on top like a bad bruise and have hairy leaves and taste brackish, like swamp water. Rutabagas are the root crop that any sensible person would prefer.

"Rutabaga — it's suitable for any occasion. Rutabagas' firm yet impetuous flavor go well with Bordeauxs, Chablis, or even champagne. Use julienned rutabagas to clear the palate before dessert. Stir-fried rutabagas can bulk up any Chinese dish. Or how about rutabaga ratatouille. And instead of an olive in your Martini, why not try a rutabaga wedge.

"Rutabaga— it's America's under-utilized vegetable."

Nicely stated! As for the mysterious RCA, its leadership never contacted Obie MacAroon or anyone at ARSI, so we harbor a certain skepticism about its very existence.

AN INVITATION

Recognizing a fellow rutabagan when he sees one, President Obie MacAroon III authorized the following invitation to Mr. Keillor and Prairie Home Companion:

Your devoted fans at the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute (ARSI) noted with great pleasure your recent declaration that "life is a rutabaga," and we couldn't agree more. In that spirit, we are delighted to inform you that February has been declared "National Rutabaga Month."

To promote deeper public appreciation of the rutabaga, we invite you to bring your show to Forest Grove, Oregon, the Rutabaga Capital of the World since 1951. ARSI's International Headquarters is located just 22 miles west of Portland in one of the oldest and grandest towns in Oregon. Forest Grove is also the home of Pacific University, the oldest university west of the Mississippi.

Our growing staff of ARSI rutabagans and rutabotanists has been delighted by your continuing efforts to raise awareness of this lowly root vegetable--and to expose the many deficiencies of the turnip, its rival for market share.

In your show on December 31, 2005, you piqued our interest with some astute comments on the virtues of the rutabaga and a reference to the "Rutabaga Council of America."

So whatever became of the RCA? Its leadership never contacted President Obie MacAroon III or anyone else at ARSI, nor did they apply for one of our generous Founder's Grants. Efforts by our researchers to locate the RCA have, so far, been fruitless. We would appreciate any leads that you or your staff may be able to provide.

I hope you will respond favorably to our invitation to come to Forest Grove. We would be honored to give you a tour of ARSI's vast laboratory complex and experimental rutabaga fields during your next visit to Oregon

Stay tuned for details on PHC's visit. Our staff will work closely with Mr. Keillor to arrange a memorable show in Forest Grove.

GRAPHIC "Rutabaga Mama," from Carruth Studios, the fine sculpture gallery of George Carruth

Pushing the edge

2007-02-04T15:31:00.000-08:00

Last November, with little fanfare, ARSI acquired 263 acres of logged-over land (left) in the foothills of the Coast Range near our headquarters in Forest Grove. In May, we'll be planting several experimental rutabaga varieties that we expect to thrive in northern latitudes under a global-warming regime. The conditions in our new fields will approximate those of northern Labrador or Quebec in about fifty years. ARSI rutabotanists project that a hundred million acres of cultivable lands will become available worldwide during that time. By developing new varieties of seed for planting in such once-marginal regions, we expect that the rutabaga will be poised to greatly increase its share of the global market for root vegetables.

Sláinte Mhath! Happy Burns Night!

2007-01-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

On January 25th the Celtic tribes of Scotland celebrate Burns Night by gathering for the Burns Supper, all in honor of the 248th anniversary of the birth of the great Scottish poet Robert Burns (1759–1796). Burns distinguished himself not only by the quality of his work, but also by his willingness to write in the Scottish dialect. He preserved and disseminated a number of ancient Scottish and Celtic songs, including Auld Lang Syne, and played a major role in the preservation and expansion of that ancient culture.

The traditional Burns Supper consists of haggas, the Scottish national dish, and "bashed neeps" (mashed rutabagas) combined with a copious flow of whiskey and recitals of the master's poetry. The Selkirk Poem is the centerpiece of the readings, and especially these lines:

"Some hae meat and cannot eat.
Some cannot eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit."

The recipe for mashed rutabagas is, of course, wildly popular and requires no elaboration (see below). Neeps have deep roots (no pun intended) in the Burns Supper tradition:

"NEEPS - or turnips, swedes or rutabaga, depending on where you are when you read this - is one of the traditional accompaniments to haggis on Burns Night.
"The neeps are normally served mashed - but on their own, not mashed in with the tatties. While most folk will simply mash the neeps unadorned, some will add butter or even some herbs.

"The story goes that neeps - or Brassica rapa - were introduced to Scotland by Patrick Miller, an entrepreneur and director of the Bank of Scotland, and the man who brought the threshing mill and drill plough to Scotland...
"King Gustav of Sweden supposedly sent the neep seeds to Miller: hence turnips are called "swedes" south of the Border." [The Scotsman, 1/25/07]

As for haggis:

"A haggis is actually a large spherical sausage made of the liver, heart, and lungs of a sheep, all chopped and mixed with beef or mutton suet and oatmeal and seasoned with onion, cayenne pepper, and other spices. The mixture is packed into a sheep's stomach and boiled. Haggis is usually accompanied by turnips [sic.] and mashed potatoes; Scotch whisky is customarily drunk with it.." [Note the familiar confusion of "turnips" and "rutabagas."]

No doubt the willingness of Scots to eat haggis is directly proportionate to their consumption of the "Scotch whisky that is customarily drunk with it." For whatever reason, haggis producers are reporting record sales, which we fervently hope will have a coattail effect on the worldwide market for rutabagas.

GRAPHIC: Buitensport-Schotland.nl

World's easiest recipe for mashed rutabagas

2007-01-05T09:57:00.000-08:00

After six years of meticulous research, and by popular demand, ARSI is proud to present its innovative recipe for mashed rutabagas, a holiday favorite around the world for centuries. Be careful to observe precautions, as noted.

STEP 1: Chop rutabagas.

IMPORTANT PRECAUTIONS: A new or sharpened axe is adequate for this purpose, though (if available) a jackhammer or industrial-grade chainsaw will work best.
For your personal safety, it is advisable to wear a helmet, body armor and goggles as the chopping process can create flying shrapnel that may cause serious injury or property damage.

STEP 2: Boil, then boil some more, until softened.

IMPORTANT PRECAUTIONS: May require extra cooking time at higher altitudes. Add a large pinch of salt to shorten cooking time. In ARSI's experimental labs, some varieties of rutabaga were marinated and cooked up to 28 days in a special blend that included sulphuric acid and potash. Impractical as this sounds, the result was exceptionally tasty.

STEP 3: Mash with milk, then mix in butter and salt to taste. Especially good with cinnamon or nutmeg.

IMPORTANT PRECAUTIONS: To avoid injury or property damage, make sure that the rutabaga is adequately softened before attempting to mash. Use of a blender will impart a smoother texture to the dish, but be sure to have extra blades available due to excessive wear-and-tear during the mixing process.

STEP 4: Serve plain or add a crater for gravy.

NOTE: In the unlikely event of leftovers, fashion into rutaburgers and pan-fry or broil for a splendid treat. Clean dishes and pots immediately to avoid crystallization of rutabaga residues. If disposal of leftovers becomes necessary, contact the Department of Environmental Quality for recommended procedures.

Additional note: Leftover mashed rutabagas have proven useful for various masonry applications. Stay tuned for additional developments in this exciting area of rutastudies.

BON APPETIT FROM OBIE MACAROON III
AND ALL OF US AT ARSI!

2006-12-28T23:45:00.000-08:00

In today's LETTER OF THE DAY, C.L. writes:

"It might interest you to know that one of the local schools serves rutabaga french fries, and that they are the favorite dish in the school cafeteria, much preferred over french fried potatoes. They have a slightly sweeter taste.

"I bake them in an aluminum pie plate, after cutting them to about the same size as normal french fries and spraying them liberally with olive -oil flavored non-stick cooking spray. I cover the plate with aluminum foil, up the temperature to about 400(toaster oven) and check to see if they are baking soft. They do not seem to crisp, no matter what the cooking method; I have tried micro-waving and pan-frying. each of these methods results in burning; baking is the best answer.

"The results are delicious with no salt or pepper required."

2006-12-27T22:26:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: the Ithaca Journal reports that 100 competitors and 500 spectators attended the Ninth Annual Rutabaga Curling Championships at the Farmer's Market in downtown Ithaca. Before the official results can be confirmed, and to avoid the steroid scandals that have shaken other world-class athletic events, the winners and runner-ups will have to undergo thorough drug testing. Our congratulations to High Commissioner Steve Sierigk for organizing another successful event. Stay tuned for further details.

2006-12-10T14:19:00.000-08:00

ARSI applies the soundest principles of agronomy in managing the experimental rutabaga fields near its World Headquarters in Forest Grove, Oregon. In this scenic photo, you can see that a rotated crop of winter wheat was well established before our first snowfall a few weeks ago.

In early November, ARSI Variant 09-4327RV-06 was harvested from these same fields, yielding 27.4 metric tons of rutabaga per acre. The viability of this promising rutabaga strain is currently under study in ARSI's labs.

In nearby fields, other varieties of rutabaga will be grown throughout the year. ARSI President for Life Obie MacAroon is currently on an extended tour of the upper Amazon basin, searching for tropical variations of the rutabaga that may be able to thrive in middle latitudes during the current global warming trend. President MacAroon plans to file a detailed report on his findings via satellite after the New Year. Rest assured that ARSI will always remain on the cutting edge of rutabotany.

2006-12-03T22:26:00.000-08:00

In today's Letter of the Day...

D.G. asks: "Do rutabagas contain sufficient gadolinium that their consumption might replace the costly injection of this strongly paramagnetic element prior to MRI imaging? And is it retained in fermented derivative products? There may be a new industry here."

This area of ARSI research is highly classified at present, but I can report that we will soon be applying to the Food and Drug Administration for approval as an MRI contrast agent for exactly the reasons you mention. The rutabaga contains only trace quantities of gadolinium. However, when properly refined, rutabaga extract is as ferromagnetic as gadolinium. The major advantage is price: gadolinium, which must be extracted at great cost from minerals such as monazite and bastnasite, currently sells for $485 per kilogram on the world market. The average price of rutabaga extract is currently less than $2 per kilogram. We will keep our fellow bloggers advised about new developments in this exciting area of rutastudies.

[Photo: Mt. Hood from ARSI's World Headquarters in Forest Grove, Oregon USA]

2006-12-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

By popular demand, I now explain the two comments and responses in French and German to the December 1st posting below:

The comment from Karine, in French, states that she is expecting guests from diverse cultures "at our manor" over the holidays and doesn't know which wine would "best exhibit the tendencies" of the rutabaga. In my response, I recommend the 1979 Château de Corton-André (Côte de Beaune), with its "supple, round and velvety flavor." I also "dare to recommend a Polish rutabaga vodka, if you can find one (even in Poland).

Our German friend states, approximately, that "it is a long-established fact that rutabaga powder, when spread under the arms and in the navel, disinfects these microbe-prone areas and makes them smell fresher." I thanked him for the "fascinating information, which my navel and underarms (and spouse!)" would appreciate.

Thanks to visitors from all over the world for their contributions to The Rutabagan.

2006-12-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

C.B. asks: Can an uncooked rutabaga serve as a heavy, blunt instrument?

The simple answer is: Yes. The use of rutabagas as "projectiles" or for "the Diffusion of Asphyxiating or Deleterious Gases" was specifically prohibited by the Hague Convention of 1899. I'd certainly be careful in handling uncooked rutabagas, and keep them away from children unless they're thoroughly mashed.

Under Oregon law, at least, an uncooked rutabaga could be certainly be defined as a "dangerous weapon," which means "any weapon, device, instrument, material or substance which under the circumstances in which it is used, attempted to be used or threatened to be used, is readily capable of causing death or serious physical injury" [ORS 161.015(2)].

The only real danger from rutabagas, however, arises during the process of preparation. Chopping the rutabaga for boiling is a special challenge that requires a sturdy helmet, thick goggles and (if available) body armor. ARSI recommends securing the peeled rutabaga in a firm vise and carefully applying a sharpened industrial-grade chainsaw. Pile drivers and pneumatic drills have been also used with some success, though the cost may be prohibitive. The key to success is: exercise great caution at all times!

The Rutablogger

2006-12-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the new and improved Rutabagan, sponsored by the Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute in Forest Grove, Oregon, Rutabaga Capital of the World since 1951. Please be sure to visit and comment upon our popular website, where you'll learn that December, 2006, has been declared National Rutabaga Month!

To get things started, here's our Letter of the Day:

C.J.: "My mother-in-law refers to rutabagas as "rutabagie" (or "rutabaggie," "rutabagy," or "rutabaggy"; I've never asked her to spell it). At first, this just made me bite my tongue and chuckle quietly inside at family gatherings. But after some research, making rutabaga plural by adding a "y" or "ie" ending seems to have come from northern Europe somewhere. There is a reference to it in "The Roxburghshire Word-Book" by George Watson, but one needs a membership to JSTOR (www.jstor.org) to look at this online. Any idea where this all started?"

Thanks for your interesting query, C.J. The ultimate source on such etymological questions is the indefatigable Finnish rutascholar Hannu Ahok, who claims that the rutabaga resulted from the hybridization of turnips and cabbages by Finnish farmers. He states that Finnish immigrants "probably brought rutabagas to Sweden" after 1530. One of the three Finnish names for the rutabaga was raatikka, but the singular noun rotabagge first appeared in 1766 in the local dialect of West Gothia, Sweden. Rota means "root" and bagge means "ram" (as in "driven into the land" or possibly "ram's testicle"). So your mother-in-law's pronunciation may have evolved directly from the Swedish bagge, in which the final "e" could be rendered as the English -ie or -y. (Does she have any Swedish ancestry?)

Finnish immigrants to New Sweden (now Delaware) evidently brought the rutabaga to North America in the 17th century, when it was also introduced in western Europe and Siberia.

Source: On the Evolution, Spread and Names of Rutabaga, by Hannu Ahokas, Interdisciplnary Biology, Agriculture, Linguistics and Antiquities 1:1-32 (2004).

[Please note that many ARSI rutabotanists are now convinced that the turnip and cabbage are hybridized variations of the rutabaga, rather than the reverse.]